None Footy - Jokes Thread

Proof that being kicked in the balls is more painful than childbirth.

Several months after being kicked in the balls, a male does not say

"I think i want another kick in the balls"

 

Mint Flavoured Birth Control Pill

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new mint flavoured birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called "Pre-dick-a-mints."

 

Royal command performance

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side. When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the room occupied by the Queen and Prince Phillip.

As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See, I told you with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to prise off the left shoe.

"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said,

"That's my boy - Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Sorry officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £50 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."

Wait for it, it is worth it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Wait for it,

it is worth it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .








Only when he's been drinking!

 

Several men are in the changing room at the golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk . . . . . . . . Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure . . . . go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£83,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... Do you remember the house that we wanted last year . . . . well it's back on the market. They're only asking £1,250,000 for a quick sale".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make them an offer of £1,200,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape . . . . . . . He smiles and asks:





"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

I bet she can spell, though!!!!

 

Just found out my grandad was half Irish, half Chinese......he was called pat noodle!

 

How do we know blokes invented maps? Who else would turn an inch into a mile? How do blokes sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "filthy, but wearable". When God created man, she was only joking. Why did God create alcohol? So ugly blokes would get the chance to have sex.

 

Heres one.

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them: “It's a illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro.”

"Vot do you mean it's illegal? " asks the German driver.

"Quattro means a four!" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans says unbelievingly . "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four.You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea you arra breaking da law!"

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone viz more intelligence!”

"Sorry," responds the Italian officer."He can't a come. He's a busy with da 2 guys in da Uno."

 

My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre.
He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad."

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

The child replied, "Granddad."

The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"

The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "cans of lager and
women with big tits."

 

lmfao

 

Paddy got his car stuck in the church doorway.
He'd been told to take his car in for a service.

 

1x3=3x3=9 2x3=6x3=18=9 3x3=9x3=27=9 you get the picture?No? 4x3=12x3=36=9 5x3=15x3=45=9 You tells little fibs my friend. lol

 

A wealthy lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle along for the company.

One day during the safari the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a young leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having him for lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" . Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the old dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

What is the moral of this tale?
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Don't mess with old farts. Age and cunning will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

Somebody better ring Sylvester Stallone up. His mums been on TV again and she thinks she's the president of Libya.

 

I saw a fat bird walking down the street this morning, she was wearing a T-shirt with 'I Love hip hop' on it ! I think the letters C&S must have fallen off!

 

I thought that if I tried hard and included twf'y it could carry out a sensible debate without resorting to praising PD, PB,JRB, or slagging off AP and NP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Another jungle one...
One day, a randy gorilla sees a lion bending over drinking and jumps on it, **cks it up the arse....the gorilla panics and rushes off to avoid a hiding....but hears the lion roaring after him, catching him up. He sees a tent with a hat and a paper in a chair...so puts the hat on and pretends to read the paper.
The Lion arrives, looking about.
It sees the "man" and asks - "have you seen a gorilla round here?"
"What, the one that did the lion up the arse?" said the gorilla, shaking with laughter
"Sh*t, it's in the papers already!!"

 

Whats the difference between Cheryl Cole and the icelandic Volcano

The Volcano is still blowing ash

 

Eminem: "Y'all act like you never seen a white person before"

I know the feeling, I live in Bradford.