A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?" "For how much?" asks the man. "One hundred dollars," the hooker answers. "I'll give you five bucks," he replies. The hooker swears at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "HA!ââ¬Â¦ see what you get for five bucks?"
Lady in labour, shouting the usual stuff; "Get this out of me", ''Give me the drugs", She turns 2 her boyfriend & says ''u did this 2 me u bastard!", He replies casually "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but u said "**** off it'll b 2 painful!", not laughin now are we"
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Baby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.
Bloke works on the railways, goes into the tea room grinning from ear to ear. "What you so happy about?" "I found a young lady tied to the tracks...rescued her and took her back. We spent all of yesterday afternoon making love." "Lucky b****rd - was she a looker?" "Don't know, didn't find the head".
2 teenage lads are in court over drug offences. However, since it's their first offence the judge feels rather lenient. He spares them jail and tells them that their community service is to convince as many people as they can within the next 2 weeks that drugs are bad, and that drug abuse will lead to a custodial sentence. 2 weeks pass and the lads return to court to let the judge know how they got on. The first lad says 'I managed to get 17 people not to take drugs. On a sheet of paper i drew 2 circles, one big, one small. The big circle represented the size of the brain before drugs were taken and the small circle the size of the brain after drugs had been taken.' 'Very good' says the judge, who turns to the other lad and asks him how he got on. 'I managed to convince 347 people not to take drugs' says the lad. '347!? how did you manage that?' asks the judge. 'Well' says the lad, 'I used the circle startegy too. I drew the small circle and said this is your arsehole before prison....'
Fella in court, stood with his hands in his pockets chewing gum noisily. After 10 minutes of him chomping away with his mouth open the judge leans over... "Young man, would you please show some respect and stop masticating" "Sorry your honor" he replied, taking his hands out his pockets.
Whats Black and sits on top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking in a house fire. Whats blue and won't fit? A dead epileptic.
Paddy is on his final question for a million pound with Chris Tarrant, he has only one life line left....phone a friend. 'Which bird does not make a nest,? A sparrow, A swallow, A blackbird or A Cuckoo' Paddy calls Murphy. Murphy answers 'be jesus its a cuckoo 100%.' Paddy wins the Million. Afterwards Paddy rings Murphy 'how the **** did you know that ? Murphy says ' well Paddy yer thick prick.. it lives in a ****ing clock
A bloke goes to a psychiatrist says: "Doctor doctor I'm obsessed by wife swapping" "How does your wife feel?" "Firm and bouncy - what about yours?"
Bloke meets a woman on holiday. Getting on well, the bloke decides to show off....he jumps off the board, does 2 somersaults and thunks into the water with barely a ripple. The woman laughs and says...."ok, what's your secret" "I nearly made the olympic squad." Without a word, the woman slides into the water, swims 2 lengths underwater and then gracefully sits on the side, barely out of breath. "Ok, ok I'm impressed - what's your story" The woman gazed at him with her beautiful eyes and said "I were a whore in Grimbsbeh, when it were quiet I werked both banks."
*I'm living next door to an Arab couple at the moment. They have 3 little kids and theyââ¬â¢ve challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so Iââ¬â¢m just writing to you while the kettle boils! *Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video ââ¬â its ****ing hilarious. *Iââ¬â¢ve caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?" Itââ¬â¢s not yours is it? *Iââ¬â¢m sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful. *Just got back from the optometrist: he told me I was color blind. Iââ¬â¢m ****in' worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address from your address book? *Thereââ¬â¢s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain. *I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, Mexicans and black rapists is not the correct answer.
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?" "Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!" "Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question." "I object!" the defense said again. "No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer." The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object." So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?" The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."
Q: Harry's blonde wife asks, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?" A: He answers, "No, our house isn't blue."
After a night of drink, drugs + wild partying, Dave woke up the following day to the ugliest woman he'd ever seen. It was then he realised he'd made it home safely!
This general in the Foreign Legion is transferred to a new fort, and half way through his tour of the place, he spots a mangey old camel tied up at the back of the fort. He turns to the corporal: "What in God's name do you use that for?", he asks. The corporal replies "Well, sir, there are a lot of men, and now and then, they become, shall we say, horny...." "Ah, yes, yes, I understand. Fine, move on" About 6 weeks later, the general wakes up feeling so horny, he'd get up on the crack of dawn and calls the corporal. "Bring me to the camel" says he. The corporal does, and once at the camel, he makes it stand up, and places a stool behind it. With that, the general stands on the stool, takes out Mr Floppy and inserts it into the camel. He then proceeds to give it the ride of its life. Having finished, he puts away his equipment, and looks proudly at the corporal. "Well", he says, "is that the way you men do it around here?" "Er...no, sir", replies the corporal, "We normally just use the camel to ride to the nearest brothel."
A lady dwarf goes to the doctors. "What appears to be the problem?" The doctor asks. "I get terrible vaginal pains. It seems to get worse when the weathers bad." The doctor examines her, then says - "Well, the damp weather made me wonder if you've some sort of fungal infection...but you're clear. I can only suggest you come back when the weather's bad" A few days later the dwarf comes back....in agony. The doctor helps her onto the bench, examines her, and mumbles "I see" He goes over to a drawer, and comes back with a 12" surgical knife with a saw back. The dwarf faints. When the dwarf wakes up, the doctor says "all ok? I'd like you stand up now". The dwarf stands...then smiles....then jumps and laughs. "Better" asked the doctor...."oh yes, thanks, what did you do?" "I cut 2 inches off your wellytops."
