Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Francois," asks one, "ow 'av you been doing?" "Merde!" answers Francois. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground." "And zen what 'appened?" "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform two metres off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!" "And did you jurmp?" "I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp Two metres. Eet is beneath my dignity." "And zen what 'appened?" "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five metres off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp." "And did you jurmp?" "I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five metres. Eet is beneath my dignity." "What 'appened zen?" "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform thirty metres above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burme!'" "Sacre Bleu, mon ami. And did you jurmp?" "A leetle, at ze beginning.".
"A Newcastle fan, an Sunderland fan and a Middlesbrough fan were all in Saudi Arabia drinking a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. For their punishment the Saudi Arabia Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Middlesbrough was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Middlesbrough fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done. The Newcastle fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again. The Sunderland was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of England, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Sunderland fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked. "Tie that Newcastle fan to my back..." -TID
The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with last nights performance that they have said they will personally refund all the expenses to their fans who travelled to support them. All they need to do is send their bank details, sort codes and Mothers maiden names and they will transfer the money straight to them
My daughter was just defending Holly & Phil saying they didn’t jump the queue but were “taken by the back doors”. I’m pretty sure that’s true for Phil anyways.
Here’s another joke, let’s play two players tonight for the national team who can’t get a game with there club messers Maguire & Shaw, that Southgate hasn’t a scoobie over his best team, hope we get fkd in Qatar and ferret face gets sacked.
In the meantime another ferret face Fwankie gets the sack from everton and gets the job. Out of the frying pan…..
Great selection Southgate with Maguire, player who is not match fit, piss poor defender but good enough for England, says it all tbh. Just looking at ferret face on the touch line, reminds me a bit of Maclaren the umberella man just before he was sacked
I was attempting to be sarcastic, Engerlaaand losing could have meant Southgate would be sacked which I think would actually have been good for you.
I decided to pull out a nose hair to see if it hurt. The guy sleeping on the bus next to me screamed, so I thought , 'yes it does'.
Two socialists at a nudist colony were sitting at the bar. One says 'you have read Marx, haven't you ?' The other replies 'yes . . . . it's these wicker chairs'
UK Suicide Bombers Go On Strike. Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the balls". Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Ishit Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership, as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway. According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages. Negotiations are underway to include male virgins in the afterlife to accommodate the current changes in preferences by Arabs, Pathans & others.