Jokes

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A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.......
He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
hungry bloke bravely asks,
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says,
"Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.
The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".
 
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A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
 
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My wife stopped the car today and asked a guy for some directions.
"What's the quickest way to get to the town centre?" she asked.
"Swap seats with your husband." He said.
 
Two lads met up in a bar one evening after not seeing each other for some time. After they'd finished the first drink, one of them said, “I'll get the next one in.” He went up to the bar and the barmaid – a rather buxom young lady – was serving another customer. The lad couldn't help staring at her tits. After a couple of minutes the barmaid came over to him and said, “What can I get you, sir?” The lad said, “I'd like two pints of tits, please...oh, I'm sorry – I meant two pints of TENNENTS. Sorry” The barmaid never blinked an eye, brought over the drinks and took the money. The lad went and sat down at the table with the drinks. His mate looked at him and said, “You look a bit flushed – are you feeling all right?” The lad said, “A bit flushed? ****, I've never been so embarrassed in all my life. See the barmaid? - she has a great pair of knockers and when she asked me what I wanted to drink, I accidentally asked her for two pints of tits instead of two pints of Tennents.” His mate replied, “Aw ****, I know exactly how you feel. The same thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago when I was sitting having breakfast with my wife. I meant to ask her to pass me the sugar but I ended up saying, “You've made my life a misery, you fat, ugly bastard!”
 
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