A 55 year old woman is at home, naked, happily jumping on her bed & squealing with delight. Husband watches & asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look . . . . what's the matter with you ?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed & says "I don't care what you think. I just had a mammogram and the doctor said that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old." The husband replies "What did he say about your 55 year old arse ?" "He never mentioned you" she replied
A local primary school have decided that the Nativity play is basically about a baby,an unwed mother,some hangers on and a bloke who isn't the father so are going to re-enact a version of the Jeremy Kyle show instead
At the wine merchant’s the taster had died and the director started looking to hire a new person. A drunk with a ragged appearance came in to apply for the position. The director wondered what he could do to get rid of him. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said “It’s a Muscat, three years old , grown on a northern slope , matured in steel containers. Low grade but just acceptable” “That’s correct” said the amazed director. “Try another glass” “A Cabernet Sauvignon, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results” “Completely correct – another glass” “This is a superior Chardonnay champagne, high grade and exclusive” said the drunk calmly. The director was astonished. He went over to his secretary and whispered something to her. She left the room and returned shortly with a glass of urine. The drunk tasted it , paused then said “Blonde 26 years old and three months pregnant – and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father”
Maggie, a blonde Irish girl, marries a New Zealand sheep farmer. One morning on his way out to check on the stock, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our ewes today. I drove a nail into the rail above her stall in the barn. You show him where the sheep is when he gets here, OK?" So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of ewes and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the one to be bred?" "That's simple, by the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns and walks away and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on."
My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well when the coach we where travelling on broke down a few miles east of the capital. We were stranded in a third world dump with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas. We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble. Just then, Dave the organiser, suddenly remembered that Bethnal Green had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey.
A left wing politician, a TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out. The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying. The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV, The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. This was carried out. As the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists. The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun, “Because," said the trooper, "when we get back to the UK I don't want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack!!"
Not a joke, mate, just a story. The daughter of a friend has gone to Saudi as a nurse. Her and two friends, being cognisent of local laws, dressed modestly with covered hair etc. They were accosted and abused by a women, in full burqa, because her husband was looking at them. Now the girls wear full burqas, too, because they can wear what they like under them, they are cool and comfortable in the Saudi heat and they don't get abused by irate women. Funny how things work out, eh?
A man goes to the doc's for a prostate exam. He is told to drop his dax and lean on the desk. He hears the doctor talking behind him. "Now, Dave, this is your first prostate exam, try to relax and not get an erection". The man says "My name's Mike." "Yes, says the doctor, My name's Dave".
a bloke picks up a fantastic looking chinese girl and after a couple of drinks she asks him to come back to his flat for a nightcap, when they get there she says "fix yourself a drink while i slip into something more comfortable" the girl returns wearing a sexy leather catsuit and says "i am all yours for tonight,and whatever you want i will obey" the guy says "well just to start i fancy a 69 love" the girl says "**** off,i'm not cooking at this time of night"
went to a funeral yesterday for a well known local amateur referee, his wife threw a red card into the grave
