Jokes

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

 

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear
"Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse

"Oh go on!", said the man

"No!", replied the nurse again

"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"

"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be ****ing you off!"

 

How do you make a gypsy take a bath?

Leave it in your front garden.

 

rod stewart the old rocker has no intention of retiring he's brought out a new version of one of his old hits to reflect his age.........urine my heart,urine my soul

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’
Yes, she says, ‘I remember it well.’
OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know…
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,’ Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?’
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, ‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.’

 

please log in to view this image

 

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

 

please log in to view this image

 

To all the kids that failed their GCSE's, remember 2 things.
1.) You tried your absolute hardest.
2.) I don't have gherkins on my burger.

 

I got out of the shower, dried myself, and walked into the bedroom naked. My girlfriend of ten years was sat on the edge of the bed. I got down on one knee, looked up to her and said, "I've got a special question I'd like to ask you."

She got very excited and said, "Oh my god! I'd given up hope of you ever asking! Ok, go on..."

I took a deep breath, and said, "Do I look like the Terminator when he first arrives from the future?"

 

The zebras should say that they identify as aardvarks.

 

please log in to view this image

 

democrats should identify as a penis then we would all know what a dick looks like

 

UK Suicide Bombers Go On Strike.

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the balls".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Ishit Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership, as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

Negotiations are underway to include male virgins in the afterlife to accommodate the current changes in preferences by Arabs, Pathans & others.

 

With energy bills spiraling out of control, as a household we are trying to cut back on our energy use. It seems though that my mrs can’t grasp this.
Most of the energy usage at the moment is from her stuff.
Washing machine
Toaster
Cooker
Vacuum cleaner.
To list but a few. It’s a losing battle.

 

went out with the wife's parents for a meal to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary, and on the way home i pulled into a lay-by and we really went at it like two rams, it was a bit uncomfortable because i should have dropped the in-laws off first