Jokes

Oldie but a goodie

Snippets from letters to the council

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

The two team i support are Leeds and whichever team beats the scum

 

I like the one about the broken lavatory seat and BBC2. There has to be a come back for that one but I can't think of one just now. Come on, you lot, it's your BBC after all.

 

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Hmm. Got out of bed to make a midnight cucumber sandwich and slipped and fell...

 

Or get them to mix 16 cans of paint for you. Buy it and take it home. Return it the next day, saying it clashed with the carpet, and get your money refunded.

Send your wife/brother/son the next day to the paint section. As a non standard color, it will be on sale at half price.


A common trick for Home Depot customers.

 

Shows how desperate things are at the moment when thieves are stealing cucumbers from supermarkets, the next time I donate to a foodbank I will make sure I bring a few cucumbers to save some poor soul from the embarrassment of it getting stuck!!

 

i once saw amy winehouse get off the tube at high barnet

 

A lawyer & a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are slow & dumb. So the lawyer asks the senior if he would like to play a game. The senior declines, but the lawyer persists. "The game is fun, I ask you a question & if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one & if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00!" So the senior agrees. The lawyer asks the 1st question "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Senior doesn't know so he gives the lawyer $5. Now, it's the senior's turn. "What goes up a hill with 3 legs & comes down with 4?" The lawyer calls all his smart friends & uses his laptop but could not find the answer. So he hands the senior $500.00. The senior immediately falls back asleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer so he wakes the senior & says, "Well, so what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?" The senior reaches into his pocket & hands the lawyer $5.00 & goes back to sleep.

 

I was watching Mary Poppins and thought surely those chimney sweeps could make more money as professional dancers