Jokes

A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.. '
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
Salvation Army, Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills....
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D,DD, E , F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Carling and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Carling and it's half the price."
The hospital hopes to bring him out of his coma soon

 

(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)Whatever:Is a woman's way of saying Go Ahead (see #4 above)

(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

Wrong message in the left window
Should say
Dog has died

 

A teacher gives her kids an assignment. Use the word contagious in your everyday life and report back to me tomorrow.
The next day all the kids are raising their hand.
The teacher calls on little Susie.
Little Susie, my little brother has the flue and if he sneezes on me I will get sick because he is contagious.
Teacher, "very good Susie"
Teacher calls on little Timmy.
Little Timmy, when I was younger I had chicken pox and all other moms brought their kids over so I could give them chicken pox too because it was good that I was contagious.
Teacher, "that's another good one".
Little Johny is raising his hand and the teacher hesitates but reluctantly calls on him.
Little Johny, " on our way here we saw a big fat lady painting her house with a tiny brush. My dad said it would take that **** ages".

 

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An 85 year-old man went to a brothel. “I would like a girl please,” he said.
“I’m sorry?” said the woman at the reception desk.
“I would like a girl, please,” said the old man.
“How old are you?” said the woman
“Eighty-five,” he replied.
“Eighty-five? You’ve had it mate,” she said.
“Oh, have I?” said the old man. “How much do I owe you?”

 

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My little budgie had an accident and broke both of it's legs. I was able to splint the legs with match sticks which gave him some mobility. When i put him back into his cage he walked around on the sand paper lining and the little chap really lit up.

 

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They're trying to erase L S Lowry's work from history as it doesn't reflect today's ****ed up society.
Lowry was once asked, why do you paint those kind of scenes, he replied "I paint what i see"

 

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realise there are more ways to solve a problem than with violence. Confucius.

 

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