Jokes?

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There are 2 signals to let passengers know it's time to evacuate ship.First is 7 blasts of the whistle and second is the captain rowing past in a lifeboat!
 
Paddy and Murphy are on board the costa concordia.
Paddy says "its awfully quiet tonight"
Murphy replies "yeah everyone will be watching the band"
Paddy says "there isnt a band playing tonight"
Murphy says " am sure i heard some f**ker say a band on ship"
 
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:



"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"


"My wife's."


''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
 
Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife?

Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.
 
My wife told me for her birthday she wanted me to go out and find something that made her look sexy.

I came back drunk.
 
Boy shouts up the stairs to his mother "Mum, can you help me?"

Mother replies "I'm in the bedroom. Don't shout at me. Get up here, and speak to me properly!"

Boy walks upstairs to bedroom

"That's better" says mother " Now what did you want?"

Boy replies " I've stood in dog poo, and I can't get my trainers off"
 
Liverpool sign a new striker from Nigeria...On the first day of training Dalgish picks up a ball and says "ball"...Then he does a kicking motion and says "kick".Then he points to the goal and says "goal understand?"KICK,BALL,GOAL....GOAL" and the Nigerian says"excuse me Mr Dalgish but I speak perfectly good english"Dalgish says "will ya sit down ,I'm talkin' te Andy Carroll"
 
Did anyone see the rubbish all over the pitch at the Reebok the other week?

But, enough about Liverpool...
 
Women!! I don't know ? You thinks she'd be happy. Waking up on her birthday, breakfast in bed, a bunch of flowers and 20 minutes of the best oral sex she's ever had.




But, oh no!! Not my ****ing sister!!!!!
 
two monkeys in a bath one says oo oo oo aa aa aa
the other one says put some cold water in then




i'm having to use lubrication to shag the wife these days

about 9 pint of stella
 
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