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Jokes?

Discussion in 'Newcastle United' started by Alfie, Jan 26, 2012.

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  1. sideshow badger

    sideshow badger Member

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    "Premature ejaculator seeks blonde female with massive tits and waxed puss.....wait...oh, it doesn't matter"
     
    #21
    sideshow badger, Jan 26, 2012
  2. Agent Bruce

    Agent Bruce Well-Known Member

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    Looks like premature postulation.
     
    #22
    Agent Bruce, Jan 26, 2012
  3. Munstertoon

    Munstertoon Member

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    Stephen Hawking has been taken to hospital, last night, with serious injuries.

    Apparently his girlfriend stood him up.
     
    #23
    Munstertoon, Jan 26, 2012
  4. Mick O'Toon

    Mick O'Toon Well-Known Member

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    There are 2 signals to let passengers know it's time to evacuate ship.First is 7 blasts of the whistle and second is the captain rowing past in a lifeboat!
     
    #24
    Mick O'Toon, Jan 26, 2012
  5. Agent Bruce

    Agent Bruce Well-Known Member

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    Very topical.
     
    #25
    Agent Bruce, Jan 26, 2012
  6. Darth Gogledd

    Darth Gogledd Well-Known Member

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    Nah, there was a power-cut
     
    #26
    Darth Gogledd, Jan 26, 2012
  7. Arfa's Left Foot

    Arfa's Left Foot Active Member

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    [video=youtube;bV9wsPghPPY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bV9wsPghPPY[/video]

    All of those jokes...
     
    #27
    Arfa's Left Foot, Jan 26, 2012
  8. capaz1984

    capaz1984 New Member

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    Paddy and Murphy are on board the costa concordia.
    Paddy says "its awfully quiet tonight"
    Murphy replies "yeah everyone will be watching the band"
    Paddy says "there isnt a band playing tonight"
    Murphy says " am sure i heard some f**ker say a band on ship"
     
    #28
    capaz1984, Jan 26, 2012
  9. Sports Direct Username

    Sports Direct Username Member

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    A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
    The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:



    "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"


    "My wife's."


    ''What happened to her?"
    "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

    He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

    The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

    A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

    "Can I borrow the dog?"

    The man replied, "Get in line."
     
    #29
    Sports Direct Username, Jan 26, 2012
  10. Ammy

    Ammy Active Member

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    Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife?

    Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.
     
    #30
    Ammy, Jan 26, 2012

  11. overseasTOON

    overseasTOON Active Member

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    Store in a cool place; like next to the kitchen sink
     
    #31
    overseasTOON, Jan 26, 2012
  12. Alfie

    Alfie Active Member

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    My wife told me for her birthday she wanted me to go out and find something that made her look sexy.

    I came back drunk.
     
    #32
    Alfie, Jan 26, 2012
  13. Munstertoon

    Munstertoon Member

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    Boy shouts up the stairs to his mother "Mum, can you help me?"

    Mother replies "I'm in the bedroom. Don't shout at me. Get up here, and speak to me properly!"

    Boy walks upstairs to bedroom

    "That's better" says mother " Now what did you want?"

    Boy replies " I've stood in dog poo, and I can't get my trainers off"
     
    #33
    Munstertoon, Jan 26, 2012
  14. Munstertoon

    Munstertoon Member

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    Or the karaoke king, Gupta Singh
     
    #34
    Munstertoon, Jan 26, 2012
  15. Munstertoon

    Munstertoon Member

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    Or the epileptic cowboy, Tex Fitz.
     
    #35
    Munstertoon, Jan 26, 2012
  16. Mick O'Toon

    Mick O'Toon Well-Known Member

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    Liverpool sign a new striker from Nigeria...On the first day of training Dalgish picks up a ball and says "ball"...Then he does a kicking motion and says "kick".Then he points to the goal and says "goal understand?"KICK,BALL,GOAL....GOAL" and the Nigerian says"excuse me Mr Dalgish but I speak perfectly good english"Dalgish says "will ya sit down ,I'm talkin' te Andy Carroll"
     
    #36
    Mick O'Toon, Jan 26, 2012
  17. Oh Titus She Said No

    Oh Titus She Said No New Member

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    How do you make a gay guy **** a woman?

    **** in her ****.
     
    #37
    Oh Titus She Said No, Jan 26, 2012
  18. Ammy

    Ammy Active Member

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    Did anyone see the rubbish all over the pitch at the Reebok the other week?

    But, enough about Liverpool...
     
    #38
    Ammy, Jan 26, 2012
  19. ThrillerinAsprilla

    ThrillerinAsprilla Active Member

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    Women!! I don't know ? You thinks she'd be happy. Waking up on her birthday, breakfast in bed, a bunch of flowers and 20 minutes of the best oral sex she's ever had.




    But, oh no!! Not my ****ing sister!!!!!
     
    #39
    ThrillerinAsprilla, Jan 26, 2012
  20. the corner

    the corner Member

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    two monkeys in a bath one says oo oo oo aa aa aa
    the other one says put some cold water in then




    i'm having to use lubrication to shag the wife these days

    about 9 pint of stella
     
    #40
    the corner, Jan 26, 2012
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