**** jokes thread

i once went to wasp farm,

but i wasn't gay.

 

Did you just go for the buzz

 

I just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid twat in morse code

 

I went to see the Doctor and said Doctor fart I just fart can't stop farting fart it just fart never stops fart so he goes out the room comes back with a big pole and I says fart jesus you fart aren't going to fart stick that up fart my arse are you he says no i am going to open the window you bloody stink

 

Sometimes, the oldies are not the best.

 

Doctor comes in to a maternity ward to see a new mother. "I have some bad news and some very bad news"
"What's the bad news?" asks the mother
"THIS is your baby." he says, holding up a big eye blinking at her.
The mother breaks into tears, "What's the very bad news?" she says.
"It's blind."

 

Read comment above.

 

What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!

 

Doctor says to patient I’ve got some good news and some bad news which would you like first the bloke says give me the bad first the doctor says I have to amputate your feet bloke says bloody he’ll what’s the good news Doctor says see that lad in the end bed he’ll give you 2 quid for your slippers.

 

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a moth!



You need to see a psychiatrist not a doctor.



I know but I was passing and saw your light was on!

 

I was sitting on the bed, pulling off my boxers, when the wife walked in

"You really are spoiling those dogs", she said

 

A fat, bald solicitor awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

 

Why did God invent lawyers?
So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

 

You been having a spot of legal bother recently, by any chance?

 

Me? God no, I'm a good boy.

 

****ing hell

 

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”

“Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.”

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”

“Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother.

“This is a job for Mama.”