**** jokes thread

My missus is upset with our hot next door neighbour for sunbathing topless in her back garden.
She asked me how I felt about it and I told her I'm on the fence.

 

A few from our board.


I've always wondered whose idea it was to give the horses the first go at putting Humpty together again.

Whoever took over Mother Teresa's hospital must have the patients of a saint.

I invented a sandal for people with one leg. It was a flop.

My wife says that I have two problems. I don't listen and something else.

The food industry is running out of names for some of its products, according to anonymous sauces.

I failed my ventriloquist exam...I can't say I'm surprised...

Have you read the book "Ventriloquism for Dummies"?

Take it from me, I have reverse kleptomania.

I went for a job interview, and they asked me what I thought was my greatest weakness. "Honesty" I replied.
The interviewer said "I don't think that's a weakness"
I told him, "I don't give a **** what you think"

My doctor has prescribed me some Anti-Gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish. The result speak for themselves.

 

Nicked from here and there.


Missing: Black and white cat very very intelligent .
Tiddles, if you're reading this, please come home.

Teacher: Johnny, if you had £5.00 and you asked your dad for £3.00 more, how many pounds would you have?
Little Johnny: I would have five pounds.
Teacher: You don’t know your arithmetic, Johnny.
Little Johnny: You don’t know my dad, Miss.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

My mate used to play guitar for Hot Chocolate.
If he was really good he got a biscuit, too.

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Old Bob Monkhouse joke
When I was young I told everyone I would be a comedian and they all laughed at me. Well they're not laughing now.

 

As a dyslexic I have issues spelling medical terms, but my biggest problem is diarrhoea.

 

Alladin was sexually assaulted, on stage, by the gay genie, during a showing of our local Panto.

To be fair, the audience did try to warn him.

 

Mickey O'Hennessey, the Irish scuba diving expert, was asked why one had to roll forward into the water, rather than backwards.

"Odda wise, you end up back in da boat," was Mickey's reply.

 

Oh no they didn't

 

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

 

Saw a TV in a shop do the other day with the sign "£1 - volume stuck on high"

You can't turn that down.

 

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association

 

You could change that to HIAG tbf.

Although his O'Hennessey joke above was funny as fck.

 

What does a pussy and a chainsaw have in common?

 

Miss by a few inches and youre in deep ****

 

What’s a jihadi brides favorite sport?

Cross-country

 

Heard about Spurlock's new moped?

It's a Hindi 50.

 

Why did so many black men get killed in Vietnam? When the generals would yell, "Get down!" they would all start dancing.

 

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Highly highly recommend!

 

That reminded me of a Frank Skinner story on tour in Canada.

He was telling the audience he hadn't always been a stand up comedian, and in his earlier days he was a children's entertainer. He told them that as it was a different career, he had a different name, and went by the name budumbudum the clown, because that's the noise children make isn't it? There was jut a nervous silence from the audience before Frank said "hmm, I guess you've never run one over then".