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**** jokes thread

Discussion in 'The Premier League' started by PINKIE, Sep 21, 2017.

  1. PINKIE

    PINKIE Wurzel Gummidge

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    My missus is upset with our hot next door neighbour for sunbathing topless in her back garden.
    She asked me how I felt about it and I told her I'm on the fence.
     
    #521
    Hoddle is a god likes this.
  2. DMD

    DMD Eh?
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    A few from our board.


    I've always wondered whose idea it was to give the horses the first go at putting Humpty together again.

    Whoever took over Mother Teresa's hospital must have the patients of a saint.

    I invented a sandal for people with one leg. It was a flop.

    My wife says that I have two problems. I don't listen and something else.

    The food industry is running out of names for some of its products, according to anonymous sauces.

    I failed my ventriloquist exam...I can't say I'm surprised...

    Have you read the book "Ventriloquism for Dummies"?

    Take it from me, I have reverse kleptomania.

    I went for a job interview, and they asked me what I thought was my greatest weakness. "Honesty" I replied.
    The interviewer said "I don't think that's a weakness"
    I told him, "I don't give a **** what you think"

    My doctor has prescribed me some Anti-Gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.

    Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish. The result speak for themselves.
     
    #522
    rooch 3, Saf, JakartaToon and 4 others like this.
  3. DMD

    DMD Eh?
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    Nicked from here and there.


    Missing: Black and white cat very very intelligent .
    Tiddles, if you're reading this, please come home.

    Teacher: Johnny, if you had £5.00 and you asked your dad for £3.00 more, how many pounds would you have?
    Little Johnny: I would have five pounds.
    Teacher: You don’t know your arithmetic, Johnny.
    Little Johnny: You don’t know my dad, Miss.

    A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

    My mate used to play guitar for Hot Chocolate.
    If he was really good he got a biscuit, too.

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    #523
    Hoddle is a god and Treble like this.
  4. SpursDisciple

    SpursDisciple Booking: Mod abuse - overturned on appeal
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    Old Bob Monkhouse joke
    When I was young I told everyone I would be a comedian and they all laughed at me. Well they're not laughing now.
     
    #524
  5. DerekTheMole

    DerekTheMole Well-Known Member

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    As a dyslexic I have issues spelling medical terms, but my biggest problem is diarrhoea.
     
    #525
  6. Alladin was sexually assaulted, on stage, by the gay genie, during a showing of our local Panto.

    To be fair, the audience did try to warn him.
     
    #526
    gooner4ever likes this.
  7. Mickey O'Hennessey, the Irish scuba diving expert, was asked why one had to roll forward into the water, rather than backwards.

    "Odda wise, you end up back in da boat," was Mickey's reply.
     
    #527
    Quesadaad, Treble and PINKIE like this.
  8. PINKIE

    PINKIE Wurzel Gummidge

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    Oh no they didn't
     
    #528
  9. Libby

    Libby Derby County, we're coming for you

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    How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

    Follow the fresh prints.
     
    #529
  10. Libby

    Libby Derby County, we're coming for you

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    Saw a TV in a shop do the other day with the sign "£1 - volume stuck on high"

    You can't turn that down.
     
    #530

  11. Treble

    Treble Keyser Söze

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    What does DNA stand for?

    National Dyslexia Association
     
    #531
    Hoddle is a god likes this.
  12. Treble

    Treble Keyser Söze

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    You could change that to HIAG tbf.

    Although his O'Hennessey joke above was funny as fck.
     
    #532
    Hoddle is a god likes this.
  13. Quesadaad

    Quesadaad Well-Known Member

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    What does a pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
     
    #533
  14. Quesadaad

    Quesadaad Well-Known Member

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    Miss by a few inches and youre in deep ****
     
    #534
  15. Quesadaad

    Quesadaad Well-Known Member

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    What’s a jihadi brides favorite sport?

    Cross-country
     
    #535
  16. Heard about Spurlock's new moped?

    It's a Hindi 50.
     
    #536
  17. Quesadaad

    Quesadaad Well-Known Member

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    Why did so many black men get killed in Vietnam? When the generals would yell, "Get down!" they would all start dancing.
     
    #537
    Bodinki likes this.
  18. Bodinki

    Bodinki You're welcome
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #538
    Quesadaad likes this.
  19. Sharpe*

    Sharpe* Senior Member

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    Highly highly recommend!
     
    #539
  20. DMD

    DMD Eh?
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    That reminded me of a Frank Skinner story on tour in Canada.

    He was telling the audience he hadn't always been a stand up comedian, and in his earlier days he was a children's entertainer. He told them that as it was a different career, he had a different name, and went by the name budumbudum the clown, because that's the noise children make isn't it? There was jut a nervous silence from the audience before Frank said "hmm, I guess you've never run one over then".
     
    #540
    Commachio likes this.

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