Off Topic Jokes thread

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The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?" Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
 
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said White, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
 
What P.M.S. Stands For

  1. Pass My Shotgun
  2. Psychotic Mood Shift
  3. Perpetual Munching Spree
  4. Puffy Mid-Section
  5. People Make Me Sick
  6. Provide Me with Sweets
  7. Pardon My Sobbing
  8. Pimples May Surface
  9. Pass My Sweatpants
  10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
  11. Plainly, Men Suck
  12. Pack My Stuff
 
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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheeling and dealing they settled for £10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the duck's former owner "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
 
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"Hey, it's the week-end!" says the wife. "What's planned?
"Well," I say,
"we've got a cheese and wine party with the neighbours, followed by group anal fisting, POV blowjobs, missionary-spreadeagled-legs-in-the-air-ass-and-pussy, ATM, BDSM, reverse cowboy close-up, money shots, some cream-pie, titcums and facials, and the usual rimming and water sports."


"What the f****'s a cheese and wine party?"
 
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A very pretty young speech therapistwas getting nowhere with her“Stammer’s Action Group”. She had tried every technique in the bookwithout the slightest success. No one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me,without flutter, the name of the town where you were bornI’ll havewild and passionate sex withyou until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up....."B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
"That's no use, Jeff ," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out....."P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
“That's no better either. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out......"London ."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
It was a sight to see.After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex,
the couple paused for breath and Paddy said




"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry"
 
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A couple want to have a bash at anal sex, but the woman decides to play it safe and seek medical advice first.
"Anal sex is perfectly safe," says her doctor,
"as long as you take it slowly at first and use plenty of lubricant.
And you take care not to get pregnant, of course."
"What?" says the woman incredulously, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Certainly," replies the doc, "where do you think chavs come from?"
 
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Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem - the Gorilla was on heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem the Zoo management noticed Colin, a big Kiwi lad and former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Colin, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Colin was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Colin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Colin announced that he would accept their offer but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss er."
"Secondly, you must never ever tell anyone about this."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

"Well," said Colin, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the$500.
 
GHOST POOP: The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there is no poop in the toilet.
CLEAN POOP: The kind where you poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOP: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOP: This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poop some more.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOP: The kind of poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOP: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOP: The kind of poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOP: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP POOP: The kind where you want to poop but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOP: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOP (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOP: This poop refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poop-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOP: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poop!
 
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A real southern gentleman went to Las Vegas . Sitting in a cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly,

Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? you're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"
When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Why yes, " replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all.
But where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."
 
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Doug. The midget!
 
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The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple"
 
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Husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing.....

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my sports car.

Sergeant: What kind of sports car was it?

Husband: Mercedes-Benz C63 AMG 6.3 7G-Tronic Edition 125 Coupe finished In
Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Leather AMG Sport Seats and Brushed
Aluminium plus Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19" AMG Multispoke Alloy
Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring; Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide
Sunroof; COMAND Online with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation, Bluetooth
Telephone Connectivity, Multi-MediaInterface (MP3, Ipod etc), Superb Sound
System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade; Leather Trimmed AMG
Multi-Function Steering Wheel with Paddle Shift; Parktronic Front and Rear
Parking Sensors; Parking Assist; Attention Assist; Speed Limit
Assist; Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with
Powerfold; Electrically Adjustable with Heated Front Sport Seats with
Memory; Electrically Adjustable Steering Column; Bi-Xenon Headlights
with Powerwash and Auto Activation; LED Daytime Running Lights;
CruiseControl; Rear Privacy Glass; AMG Carpet Overmats.........

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry, pal. We'll find your car......!!
 
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he
called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary
to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the
two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip
home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what
to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet
him. "Aha!", the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending
to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he
said, "Honey look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell, that's nothing", she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look
what the little f***ucker did to my tits!"
 
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This priest was hearing a woman's confession when a drunk stumbled into the booth on the opposite side. As the priest was finishing with her he heard the drunk groaning as if in quite some pain.

He slid open the other panel and asked "Are you ok?" All he heard was another groan. He asked again and the drunk finally replied "Yeah, I feel lots better........ Do you have any toilet paper on your side?"
 
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years.
The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up.
He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered: "Your mother wants to eat first!"
 
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