A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a pound for three darts. The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! Downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart. Three bulls eyes!!! All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize. Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize. The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, and he asks the drunk " Say, what did you win the last time?" And the drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"
My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible". "1st - Who was born in a stable?" "Shergar" he replied "2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?" "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied. "3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?" "That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the crap out of them!!"
Was out walking with the wife this morning She suddenly stopped and removed her shoe complaining about a stone in it I replied ‘there’s about 20 stone in the other so keep walking fatty!!!
A dwarf accused very busy doctor of Political Incorrectness when he asked "I know you are busy, Doctor, but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain. Anyway the englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and say "I am terribly sorry, theres been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!" The englishman sits up and simply say "She'll be right, mate
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth. Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
A Ballerina goes to the Doctor, "Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind, every time I pirouette I fart" she cries. "Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible" The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... Farts loudly. "Thats amazing, do it again," Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart "Hmmm," says the Doctor "I think I may be able to help" he bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious barbed hook on the end. The ballerina starts back in alarm, "What the ~&%$*? are you going to do with that?" she asks, "Opening the window, it stinks in here for Gods sake!"
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" A Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
A tourist couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah. While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you a blow job every day for the rest of your life.” The husband's eyebrows lifted. The deadly chase was recorded. Click below…. https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:- 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? 9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 11... Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? 13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men? 15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. 19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it? 24. Why if you send something by road is it called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo? 25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret with the girls is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend". "That sounds fine" she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6am found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec waited, and the other man arrived, saying "Mind if I play along?" The exec said "Fine. Glad to have the company". All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs. When the cover came off one club the exec noticed that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle. "Whoa" he said. "That's a high powered rifle!" "Look" said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings". "No. No" said the exec "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag...?" The other man pondered for a moment and then said "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living". "Wow" said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before". "Still want me to play?" said the other. "Sure" said the exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?" The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful - an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it. The exec picked it up, looked through the scope, and said "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife". He lowered the gun for a moment and said "She doesn't have any clothes on". He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her". The exec lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?" "$10,000 a bullet" said the man. The man thought for a moment, and said "Do it". "Which one?" said the hitman. "Both" said the exec. "That's $20,000, you know". "I don't care. hit 'em both". The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked. "You know where to hit him" said the exec. "How about the woman?" "In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway". "Okay" said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister" he said "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten grand!"
Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.
An Aussie stockman had just got married and he and his wife stopped at an outback hotel on their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed." The clerk winked, 'Do you want the 'Bridal'?' The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.."
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
Three sheilas were having a girl's night out and talked about their blokes. The single sheila said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my bloke's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that he rooted me on his desk right then and there!" The engaged sheila giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my bloke got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stilettos. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!" The married sheila put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
A woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is £80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
