While strolling around the Marina this morning about 7 am., I noticed a character shouting "Allah Akbar" and "Death to all infidels." Then suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown. Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department. It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond. I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven. "Hey, what's going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter. "Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies. "No, no this isn't right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away." "Would you like a cappuccino?" asks St Peter. "No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim. "Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find him. "Jesus, I don't understand what's going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed." "Would you like a cappuccino?" "No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now." "Well, you can talk to God if you like," says Jesus. This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears. "Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God. The Muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don't get what's happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!" "Would you like a cappuccino?" "Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I'll have a ****ing cappuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed." "Mohammed, two cappuccinos," says God.
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
Manchester United's dressing room minutes before kick off in the derby; "Right I want 110% effort from the word go against this blue ****. Remember the bastards did us on the anniversary of Munich. If you don't win, those cockney ****ers at Chelsea will have 6 points on us. Now I don't care if you kick, punch or head-butt your way to victory, you must win this. Good luck." Then Sir Alex walks in and says, "Thanks ref, I'll take it from here."
Fred, a lifelong white racist living in south London, is in a major car crash. When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says: "I've got good news and bad news..... ........the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Muslim blood". Fred screams "What the hell is the good news then?" "Your penis is 6" longer, and you are top of the housing list."
An Aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder. The bartender asks "where did you find that?". The seagull replies "At the tip"
A sheep station owner from the Australian outback went to a employment agency looking for a employee. They said that they would send three Aboriginals to apply for the job but only one showed up for the interview, battered and bruised. The station owner gave him the job but asked, "What happened to you?" "I was fighting the other over who would get to go to the interview." replied the Abo. The station owner said "I would hate to see the other two then." The aboriginal replied "Nar they're ok, I'm the one who lost."
A man in Michigan's Upper Peninsula wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and, sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun and a mean, heavily scarred, old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
It's my birthday today and it's the first I'll be spending in prison, any way to keep my spirit up my girlfriend sent me a birthday card; Happy birthday See you in the shower Dave X
An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The Doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple are asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse". He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50,and I get £43 back from BUPA!"
Press Release International Rugby Board (IRB) Rugby World Cup 2015 Following complaints to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Hakka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007 organizing committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays. 1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles, before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, but no-one appreciates them. 2. The Scotland team will chant "You looking' at me, Jimmy?" before each of them smash a bottle of beer over their opponents' heads. 3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half perfoming a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch via their opponents' dressing room. 4. Unfortunately the committee was unable to sanction the Welsh proposal to form a choir and sing Tom Jones' "The Green Green Grass of Home". 5. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goal-Areas", and have to be forcibly removed by the match stewards. 6. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13, whom they will imprison between the posts. These two will then go about selecting the best parts of the pitch to settle on and claim they have been there for centuries. 7. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were, in fact, the most important team in the tournament, and Hollywood will produce a blockbuster film called "Saving Flanker Ryan". 8. Five of the Canadian team will sing "Le Marseillaise" and hold the rest of the team to ransom. 9. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female officials, and then prepare pasta dishes, which they will then flog to the crowd for a fortune. 10. The Japanese will shock fans by demonstrating how to capture a whale for scientific research by harpooning an opposition prop. 11. The French won't have a pre-match display and will simply hide in fear in the dressing room for the whole match. 12. The Australians will have a barbecue on their side of the field and invite the opposition over before the game. The food and alcohol will be in abundance and, by the start of the game, no-one will remember what they came to the stadium for. After some streaking, the singing of dirty songs and the occasional chunder, everyone will go home thoroughly convinced it was a bloody good night. 13. The Moroccan team will quietly pray during the first half and then launch suicide attacks against the opposition after the break. Unfortunately, this strategy works well for the first game only, after which Morocco is forced to withdraw from the tournament due to lack of players. 14. Samoa will prepare a huge feast in the middle of the pitch by digging a large hole and filling it with burning embers. They will invite the opposition over by saying "We'd like to have you for dinner." Only when the opposition arrive at the pit will they realise that there is no meat and that they are, in fact, the main course.
A Cumbrian farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable. His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back". The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing. "What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife. "Here boy," said the farmer.
This old bloke goes into an old folks home because he keeps falling over and his son can"t keep his eye on him all the time. On his first day in the home, a female nurse comes along to give him a wash and she notices he has a slight erection. With that, she gives him a blow job.He gets straight on the phone to his son, telling him that he just got a gobble and what a wonderful place it was. The following, day he"s walking down a corridor and he falls over - suddenly, from behind, a male nurse gives him one up the back door. He gets straight on the phone to his son again and says "get me out of here, a male nurse just banged me up the back door." His son says, "look, dad, so you took one up the back door - you got a blow job yesterday, you have to take the rough with the smooth." The old bloke says, "f**k off, I get a hard on three times a year but I fall over three times a f***ing day."
A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit. Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you." Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been 10 years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette. Man: "Thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been 10 years!" The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of 12 year old malt whisky and gives the man a drink. Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!" Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"
Adam Johnson wants to play in the Chinese League, where Wai-Too Yeung is just a name. But instead, following his admission of guilt, he's been sentenced... to a three-year contract extension with Sunderland.
Adam Johnson is just a 12 month suspended prison sentence away from joining Chinese Super League side Eyeshag Minors.
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time. The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?' Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand' 'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit' Becky duly goes and writes 'sand' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit. The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime? 'Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box' 'Very good' says the teacher. ' If you can spell "box" on the blackboard,I will also give you a biscuit' Freddie duly goes and writes 'box' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit. Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?' 'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names' 'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant unadulterated racial discrimination to me' .............. I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant unadulterated racial discrimination" I will give you a biscuit
I was standing in a queue at the supermarket behind a woman with a mega large butt when her phone started beeping. A little boy beside me cried out "F--k Me She's reversing"
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in Cardiff. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now,the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
Asked the missus what she wanted for her birthday. She said something made out of animal skin. So I bought her a donkey jacket.
