Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and the sleigh was broken. Santa was furious. ‘I can’t believe it!’ he yells. ‘I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel to find one hours ago! What am I going to do?’ Just then, the little angel opens the front door and steps in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. ‘Oi fatty!’ she says. ‘Where d’you want me to stick this?’ And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass
63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”. Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.
A woman walks into her GP’s office with a mushroom in one nostril, a carrot in the other, and a runner bean in her ear. "I think I see the problem," said the doctor. "You're not eating right."
Paddy goes to his doctor complaining about being constipated ,so the doc says “try these and come back next week” when Paddy arrives at the doctors the doctor asks him if the treatment worked Paddy replies “Those things I might just as well have shoved them up my arse for all the good they done"
Just think: if Donald Trump wins the USA presidential election, it'll be the first time in history that a white billionaire, has moved into public housing, vacated by a black family!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ****ing fault!
A young lady had unwantedly became pregnant and wanted an abortion. Unfortunately, a medical examination showed she was too far gone and therefore not possible. When told so by her doctor she broke down and cried. "I can't have a baby now" she said "There must be something you can do!" The doctor thought for a while, and came up with an idea: "There is bound to be someone in this hospital in for an appendix operation when you give birth - we'll just give her the baby and tell her it wasn't the appendix after all". The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birth there were no women in for appendix operation in the hospital, in fact the only person was an old priest. The doctor, desperately realising the gravity of the situation and his promise, figured he might as well try anyway. The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate conception he took his little son home. The years passed and his son grew to become a fine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he called his son to his deathbed. "There is something I have to tell you" said the priest "I am not your father". His son looked at him in surprise. The priest went on "I am your mother, the bishop is your father".
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
"I haven't sold one tractor all month" a tractor salesman tells his friend. "That's nothing compared to my problem" his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya".
Bob walks into a bar and sees Jim sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Bob says "Jim what are you so happy for?" "Well Bob I gotta tell ya. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat just waxin' my boat and a redhead came up to me. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to HERE! She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat'. So I took her way out Bob. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim Bob. She couldn't swim!" The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Jim sitting at the end of the bar with an even bigger smile on his face. Bob says "What are you happy about today Jim?" "Well Bob... I gotta tell ya... yesterday I was out waxin' my boat just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits to here Bob. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat'. So I took her way out Bob. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim Bob! She couldn't swim!' A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Jim crying over a beer. Bob says "Jim what are you so sad for?" "Well Bob I gotta tell ya... yesterday I was out waxin' my boat just waxin' my boat and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here Bob. Tits WAY out to here. She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out Bob way WAY out... much further than the last two I turned off the key and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and... she had a pecker BOB! She had this great BIG pecker!! And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward," they said, "When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye....................."My wife is from Wales "
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it." After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess."
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too. "Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now" 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?" "No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"
A man on his deathbed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows... "To my son, David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London. To my other son, Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea, and finally to my eldest son, Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge." With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said, "I never realised your husband was so wealthy. You and your sons are very lucky." His wife swiftly replied, "Was he bollocks! He was a ****ing window cleaner!"
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
