There were two gay men in the bathroom at their home, and one was putting Vaseline on his chest. The other gay man asked him, “Why are you putting Vaseline on your chest?” The first gay man replied, “Didn’t you know that Vaseline helps you grow hair on your chest?” The other gay man said, “Well if that was a proven fact, then you should have a ponytail growing out of your ass!”
A father buys a lie detector / robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork". The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies". Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story". The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn". Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was". The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son" The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale...........
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner & theater evening. We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parrot and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the parrot. My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-by to my mother." A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! She'd better not **** in the vegetable garden again!" The silence in the Taxi was deafening
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his p*nis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted *****lian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.” The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.” the doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure, we're going to have to amputate your p*nis.” the man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!” the doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.” The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, *****lian VD, Vewy ware disease.” The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my p*nis!” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!” “Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims. “Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?" His dad thinks and then says "Right-o son, go and ask your Mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid." The boy runs off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a Million pounds." "OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same Question". The boy runs off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!" So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if He'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds". The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!" Well there you have it, son," said his dad........."Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a ****."
Man comes home and finds one of his mates shagging his wife so he grabs a knife and stabs him to death ...............wife says "you keep carrying on like that you'll have no mates left!!!"
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots...... Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
A devout Australian cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the kangaroos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the kangaroo. "Your name is written inside the cover."
Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German and an Irishman, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As the final hour approaches, each man is trying to think of a way to escape his inevitable doom. The time comes for the execution and the American is brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is being tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and then running away. The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10... 9... 8 ...." Just before the officer reaches "1" the American shouts "FLOOD!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of water. In all of this confusion, the American manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the American has made his way deep into the woods and escapes death. The German is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing the American's success, the German decides to attempt a similar escape. He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' trick again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster. The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10... 9... 8... 7 ...." Just before the officer reaches "1" the German shouts "HURRICANE!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In all of the confusion, the German manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the German has disappeared deep into the woods and escaped his execution. The Irishman is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing his predecessor's successes, the Irishman decides to attempt a similar escape. He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' or the 'hurricane' tricks again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster. The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10... 9... 8... 7... 6 ...." Just before the officer reaches "1" the Irishman shouts "FIRE!!"
One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool. "What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest. "Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog." "Really!" said the irish priest. "Can you explain!" "Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you." "That's an incredible story." said the irish priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?." "Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again." "Today's your lucky day!" said the irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the irish priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed, And that my lord is the case for the Defence....... "
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the pay desk, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
I took my little niece to the zoo for a birthday treat. We walk around from enclosure to enclosure, all of which were empty. We did the entire circuit and didn't see a single animal until the cage just before the exit, which contained a very small dog. We exited and I turned to my little niece and asked her what she thought of it. "It was a shih Tzu" she said.
A man went to Arundel Street in Portsmouth having seen an ad for a gynaecologist's assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecological examination. The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Southampton". "My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man. She answered "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is"........
A Devon farmer is out walking his land one evening and sees a smartly dressed man crouching down by a stream, about to take a drink. "ERE, ee dun wanna be doin at - tis full o arse piss and cow ****e" says the farmer in his broad west country accent. "I'm terribly sorry but I've just moved down from London and bought that lovely cottage in the village which I plan to develop", replies the man. "You'll need to speak much slower, I've yet to get to grips with the lingo". "Oh I'm sorry, if-you-use-two-hands-you-won't-spill-any" replied the farmer helpfully.
Police stopped a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear That........3 of you have got to get out!"
I went to Anfield the other day to watch a match. A scouse lad said, 'Can I mind your car for you mister?' I said, 'No! And for your information, there's a Rottweiler in the back.' The lad said: 'Put out fires, can he?'
There's two fellas running down the road "Help! Help! a lions escaped" A passér by said "Which way did it go?" One of the fellas says "you stupid twat, you don't think we're soddin' chasing it do ya?"
