Off Topic Jokes thread

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A man in a top of the range Landrover with his Alsatian in the back pulls up in Liverpool.
As he gets out of the car a boy of about ten says to him, "Aye mate, give us a fiver and I will look after your car."
"Its alright kid, my dog in the back seat will look after it for me," replies the man.
"Yeah, well can it put fires out Dickhead?"
 
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A policeman pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser".
The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".
The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample". The man produced another letter.
This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".
So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read: "This man plays cricket for England, please don't take the piss out of him".
 
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I’ve had some bad news about the wife’s wealthy uncle who’s ill in hospital.
He’s recovering.
I went to see him last week.
I said: “Is there anything I can do for you?”
He said: “Only one thing. Take your foot off the oxygen tube.”
 
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A priest is called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave theconfessional unmanned, he calls a rabbi friend and asks him to cover for him. The rabbi tells him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest says he'd show the rabbi what to do. The rabbi agrees and he and the priest both enter the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?" The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say three Hail Mary's, put £5 in the box and sin no more."

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?" The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say three Hail Mary's, put £5 in the box and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Just once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for £5."
 
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On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then ****!...she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Fred screams back: "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! DON'T SWING!!!"
 
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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in." Thegoblin replies "OK, you've got it." Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it.

But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fu*k me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins !!"
 
A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, how about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating, 'said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'What a coincidence!!'
 
I was talking to this girl in the pub the other night and she said,
"You lads are funny giving your dicks silly little names."
I replied "Not me love, I've only got one name for mine.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."
She said, "Thats a mouthful."
"Exactly."
 
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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bas*ard.”
 
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Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mum's room.
The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying,
"Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mum lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her.
So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning,
"Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
 
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I had a blind date set up for me by a mate.

What he didn't tell me was that the young lady I was meeting didn't have a left-side breast.

Anyhoo. I waited for her at the designated place and, when she arrived, I thought 'what a stunner'

Unable to control myself I went straight in with both hands for a quick weigh-hey up.

I knew I shouldn't have. It was rather embarrassing - I felt a right tit.
 
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The comedian Roy "Chubby" Brown has made a career out of being known as the "Fat Bastard" and cracking endless crude, sexist gags.
As such, when I saw him in town recently with a female companion on his arm, I yelled at him-
"Oi, Chubby, you fat c**t, are you going to shag that or enter it in Crufts?"

His response- to call his personal security and have them beat me up - was true comic genius.
 
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A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks. "To take away the pain" sobs the little girl. "What do you mean?" the teacher asks. "Well" sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider".
 
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A man goes to a shrink and says "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax" says the Doctor "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
 
The wife and I were watching porn last night and she said: "This is soooo unrealistic".

I said "Just because you are not willing to try new things doesn't mean that everyone is that frigid".

"No, No, it's not that" she said "It's just that the plumbers that come to our house don't have di*ks THAT big!"
 
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