Off Topic Jokes thread
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A husband arrives home and sees his wife washing dishes.
He says, "Love, drop everything and let's have sex!"
The woman stops washing the dishes and happily begins to undress!
He says, "No, not here, baby, let's go to the park across the street and do something crazy for once!"
The woman gets excited and without a second thought opens the door and they run to the park across the street!
They are undressed and well “engaged” when suddenly a Policeman appears.
"What's going on here? Aren't you ashamed? I will fine you for indecent exposure." He says.
The husband complains but the Policeman will hear no excuses and proceeds to fine them.
A £30 fine for the husband and £100 fine for the lady.
"Why £30 for me and £100 for my wife?" asks the husband curiously.
The Policeman replies, "Sir, this is your first time..."
He says, "Love, drop everything and let's have sex!"
The woman stops washing the dishes and happily begins to undress!
He says, "No, not here, baby, let's go to the park across the street and do something crazy for once!"
The woman gets excited and without a second thought opens the door and they run to the park across the street!
They are undressed and well “engaged” when suddenly a Policeman appears.
"What's going on here? Aren't you ashamed? I will fine you for indecent exposure." He says.
The husband complains but the Policeman will hear no excuses and proceeds to fine them.
A £30 fine for the husband and £100 fine for the lady.
"Why £30 for me and £100 for my wife?" asks the husband curiously.
The Policeman replies, "Sir, this is your first time..."
I was talking to a sexy red head in the pub last night, wearing a low cut top and short tight skirt and high heels!
She said, "Aren't you cold dressed like that?"
She said, "Aren't you cold dressed like that?"
I find my Wife really hard work sometimes.
For example, at the moment I've got her Tarmacking our Driveway
For example, at the moment I've got her Tarmacking our Driveway
My missus has started a little job in the RNLI gift shop, part time, but I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t a bit more involved meteorologically.
I can’t help but notice some of the lads are relying on her to tell them if the coast is clear when she’s off duty.
I can’t help but notice some of the lads are relying on her to tell them if the coast is clear when she’s off duty.
My grandad was a very modest fella who refused to blow his own trumpet.
Lovely man.
But his time in the local brass band was understandably short-lived.
Lovely man.
But his time in the local brass band was understandably short-lived.
My friend spends six months of the year in the Arctic, and the other six months in Antartica.
I think he's Bi-Polar......
I think he's Bi-Polar......
I've just seen a snowman in Tesco's.
He was in the vegetable aisle picking his nose......
He was in the vegetable aisle picking his nose......
An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
A Genie granted me one wish so I said I just want to be Happy.
Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves & working in a mine.....
Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves & working in a mine.....
Went into hospital recently.
The surgeon came to see me and said ‘it’s about time we got the ball rolling’.
Which is the last thing you want to hear when you’re having a vasectomy...
The surgeon came to see me and said ‘it’s about time we got the ball rolling’.
Which is the last thing you want to hear when you’re having a vasectomy...
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