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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #33565
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A husband arrives home and sees his wife washing dishes.
    He says, "Love, drop everything and let's have sex!"
    The woman stops washing the dishes and happily begins to undress!
    He says, "No, not here, baby, let's go to the park across the street and do something crazy for once!"
    The woman gets excited and without a second thought opens the door and they run to the park across the street!
    They are undressed and well “engaged” when suddenly a Policeman appears.
    "What's going on here? Aren't you ashamed? I will fine you for indecent exposure." He says.
    The husband complains but the Policeman will hear no excuses and proceeds to fine them.
    A £30 fine for the husband and £100 fine for the lady.
    "Why £30 for me and £100 for my wife?" asks the husband curiously.
    The Policeman replies, "Sir, this is your first time..."
     
    #33568
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was talking to a sexy red head in the pub last night, wearing a low cut top and short tight skirt and high heels!

    She said, "Aren't you cold dressed like that?"
     
    #33569
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I find my Wife really hard work sometimes.

    For example, at the moment I've got her Tarmacking our Driveway
     
    #33570

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My missus has started a little job in the RNLI gift shop, part time, but I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t a bit more involved meteorologically.

    I can’t help but notice some of the lads are relying on her to tell them if the coast is clear when she’s off duty.
     
    #33571
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My grandad was a very modest fella who refused to blow his own trumpet.

    Lovely man.

    But his time in the local brass band was understandably short-lived.
     
    #33572
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My friend spends six months of the year in the Arctic, and the other six months in Antartica.

    I think he's Bi-Polar......
     
    #33573
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I've just seen a snowman in Tesco's.

    He was in the vegetable aisle picking his nose......
     
    #33574
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
    One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
    "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
    The husband texted back to her:

    "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
     
    #33575
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Genie granted me one wish so I said I just want to be Happy.

    Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves & working in a mine.....
     
    #33576
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Went into hospital recently.

    The surgeon came to see me and said ‘it’s about time we got the ball rolling’.

    Which is the last thing you want to hear when you’re having a vasectomy...
     
    #33577
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #33579
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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