Off Topic Jokes thread

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“So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said: “You've been promoted.” And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said: "You've been promoted again.” And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said: “You're Managing Director.” And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said: “What happened to you?”
And I said: “I careered off the road.”
 
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An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"
 
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