Amorim heading to Old Trafford but saw the performance against Chelsea. please log in to view this image
The German lorry driver A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is prattling off about how lazy the British are, He states, he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in two days. An old Geordie man mutters... "Ay! Way back man' ... 'I used to pick up my load in Newcastle drop it off in Hamburg' and be back again in Newcastle the same day." The German trucker snorted and said... "Oh Yeah....what type rig were you driving?" The old fella replied... "A LANCASTER BOMBER"
A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexual abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and amongst other things asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep "Well its quite simple cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and your in" The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question "Ah we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and shag it from behind" Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it "Well it's bloody awkward see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and shag it like that" The Student replies "Why don't you shag it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?" "Shag it from behind? Well how else am I supposed to kiss it?"
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know" said the doctor "you really have to learn to trust me"..
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought about his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't." "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels." She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Me and two guys in the pub were struggling to settle an argument about who was the best lover when one guy suggested he had a sound measuring device and we should all take it in turns to record how loud our wives scream during sex. We all agreed, so a week later we all met in the pub to discuss our results over a pint. "Well I did the experiment," said the first guy, "and the device measured 89 decibels, beat that." "No problem," said the second guy smugly. "I did the experiment and thedevice measured 98 decibels. Now,what do you say about that?", "Not bad," I replied, "but when I did the experiment the device measured in at a whopping 128 decibels.". "128 decibels?" said the first guy. "How on earth did you get your missus to scream that loud while you were having sex?" "Easy," I replied, "she walked in while I was screwing her sister."
