Off Topic Jokes thread

  • After not finding a suitable virgin to marry, a rich man takes a young girl from an orphanage and puts her in the care of a monastary until she reaches the age of marriage.
  • He picks her up ten years later, marries her, and they go on the honeymoon.
  • She is waiting naked in bed and he walks in with a bottle of vaseline in hand and she asks, "what"s that for?"
  • He says, "being your first time, this will help ease it in."
  • She laughs and says, "why don"t you just spit on the end of your dick, like the priests did?"
 
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Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention....

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.
Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'
So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'
Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!
 
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  • GOLF TERMS EXPLAINED
  • A Sally Gunnell - not pretty but a good runner
  • A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
  • A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
  • A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer
  • A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
  • A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out
  • A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn"t
  • A Cuban - needs one more revolution
  • An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
  • An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
  • A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
  • A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
  • A Kate Moss - bit thin
  • A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
  • A David Trimble - tentative prod
  • A Glen Miller - kept low and didn"t make it over the water
  • An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
  • A Russell Grant - a fat iron
  • A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron
  • A Rodney King - over-clubbed
  • An O.J. Simpson - got away with it
  • A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a goodrunner
  • A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
  • A Princess Di - shouldn"t have taken a driver
  • A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
  • A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
  • A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn"t have the legs
  • An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but you
  • A Ken Livingstone - quite far left
  • A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right
  • A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
  • A condom - safe but didn"t feel real good
  • A circus tent - a BIG top
  • An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
  • A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you"re not expecting it
  • A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target
  • A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn"t be
 
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