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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10161
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2019
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just had some friends round with their new born baby ... She handed me the baby and asked if I wanted to wind him.

    I thought that was a bit harsh ... So I gave him a dead leg instead !
     
    #10162
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2019
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10163
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2019
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired.”

    His buddy says, “Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do.”

    A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

    He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says... “Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense! "
     
    #10164
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2019
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10165
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 15, 2019
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10166
    antipodean exile, Jun 15, 2019
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"
    • Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"
    • Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"
     
    #10167
    antipodean exile, Jun 15, 2019
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10168
    antipodean exile, Jun 15, 2019
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10169
    antipodean exile, Jun 15, 2019
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10170
    antipodean exile, Jun 15, 2019
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10171
    antipodean exile, Jun 15, 2019
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10172
    antipodean exile, Jun 15, 2019
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Jeremy Corbyn goes to the bank...
    Jeremy: "Could you please cash this cheque for me?"
    Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?"
    Corbyn: "I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I'm Jeremy Corbyn, Leader of the Labour Party and the Opposition!!"
    Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are Sir, but with all the bank regulations, monitoring, impostors and forgers etc., I must insist on seeing some identification".
    Corbyn "Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!"
    Cashier: "I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them".
    Corbyn: "I'm urging you, please cash this cheque for me".
    Cashier: "Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomerie came into the bank without any ID.
    To prove he was Colin Montgomerie he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup.
    With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomerie and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID.
    He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.
    Corbyn starts to think and think and finally says, "To be honest, there is nothing that comes into my mind.
    In fact I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at."
    Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes you require Mr Corbyn?
     
    #10173
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 15, 2019
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10174
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 15, 2019
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10175
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 15, 2019
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Currently bird watching with Sinead O'Connor

    So far its been seven owls and fifteen jays.....
     
    #10176
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 16, 2019
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  17. Wooperts_duck

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    #10177
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 16, 2019
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  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • A blind prostitute just moved into my street - you"ve gotta hand it to her...
     
    #10178
    antipodean exile, Jun 16, 2019
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10179
    antipodean exile, Jun 16, 2019
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #10180
    antipodean exile, Jun 16, 2019
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