A man ended up in a hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a toy horse lodged in his arse. The doctors have described his condition as stable.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord... Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done. They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him .
Scottish man was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way,folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Highland baby boy." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "You're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "17 pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father took a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."...
"I"m going to the doctor," says Mary. "Why, what"s wrong?" asks her best friend Sara. "I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sperm." Sara says, "why worry? If you"re swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you`re a bit chubby"
What have a duck, a pelican and the Inland Revenue got in common? They can all stick their bills up their arse!
