Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
- Victoria Beckham has announced she had an affair with Michael Jackson.
- Jacko has denied the allegations as he claims he was in Brooklyn at the time.
- Donald Trump wakes up one morning, feeling good.
- He calls in his Vice-President. Mick Pence, he says,
- "I think I need a new title to reflect my position as leader of the free world. I"m going to call myself King."
- "You can"t do that," says Pence, "You don"t have a kingdom."
- "Okay then," says Trump, "What about Emperor"
- "No good. You don"t have an empire."
- "Prince?""No. America isn"t a principality."
- "Okay... Err... Duke?"
- "Nor is it a Duchy."
- "Well, do you have any better ideas?" asks an exasperated Trump.
- Pence smiles. "It"s obvious, Donald," he says, "You run a country."
- When my grandfather was ill, my grandmother used to rub lard on his back.
- After that, he went downhill very quickly.
My wife and I are on the verge of splitting up because of my obsession for rugby.
But I have decided to give it one last try.
But I have decided to give it one last try.
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice looking girl behind the wheel. There was a strong liquor smell all over the car.
"I am going to give you a Breathalyzer test,” he said. “That will show whether or not you are under the influence of alcohol.”
She blew up the balloon and the cop walked it back to the police car. After a minute or two, he returned to the girl’s car. “Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones,” he said.
“You mean it shows that too?!?!” she asked, surprised.
"I am going to give you a Breathalyzer test,” he said. “That will show whether or not you are under the influence of alcohol.”
She blew up the balloon and the cop walked it back to the police car. After a minute or two, he returned to the girl’s car. “Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones,” he said.
“You mean it shows that too?!?!” she asked, surprised.
A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked.
"You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says.
"Why?" asks the man. "Is it going to make me go blind?"
The optometrist looks around and says "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable."
"You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says.
"Why?" asks the man. "Is it going to make me go blind?"
The optometrist looks around and says "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable."