"A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset. _"You are a disrespectful pig!"_ she cried. _"How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"_ The husband calmly replied, _"Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened."_ _"Fine, go ahead",_ the wife sobbed, _"but they will be the last words you say to me!"_ The husband began: _"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."_ _"She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."_ _"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously."_ _"She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away."_ _"I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."_ _"I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste."_ _"I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."_ The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued: _"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, *“Please sir... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Alf replied, "Nay Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, she will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give into his most intimate desires, she will make him feel confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.....No wait.....I'm thinking of Beer, it's f*cking Beer that does that!
A 73 yr old woman is in court for streaking at the Chelsea Flower show. She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for best dried bush arrangement.!!
please log in to view this image Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say.". "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell.""Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
Church Bulletins! These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
A little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angels walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy. They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy's pie and ate it down. Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left. One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, "Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn't say a word! He sure ain't much of a man!" The waitress turned to them and said, "He ain't much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"
David Beckham gets into a taxi at Dublin airport, he sees the driver looking at him for about 5 minutes in the rear view mirror. Eventually the driver says “ok, give us a clue then?” Beckham sighs and replies “well I had a glittering career for Man United, married a Spice Girl and played over 100 times for England, is that enough?”. Driver says “no you thick c*nt, where are you going!?”
