A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn"t control himself and let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today"s paper?" The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I"ll grab you a handful of leaves."
Saw the worst mind reader ever last night.. Mind reader: "Think of a card, any card." Me: "OK" Mind reader: "Visualize it in your mind." Me: "OK" Mind reader: "Is it the Nine of Clubs?" Me: "No" Mind reader: "Ace of spades?" Me: "No" Mind reader: "What is it then?" Me: "Happy Birthday"...
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club, so one day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question.... have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope......but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times." !
I have a serious personality disorder. Sometimes, I'm a temptress from a Bizet opera and other times I'm the head of the German air force in WW2. I don't know if I'm Carmen or Goering....
