Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
A man in Alberta, Canada, wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" The homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" Asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the f*cking dog!"
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" The homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" Asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the f*cking dog!"
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I just heard that the machine that makes the Dutch wooden shoes is broken.
It's all clogged up.
It's all clogged up.
The Labour party have brought out a new version of 'Laurel and Hardy', it's called 'Horrible and Lardy' !
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Maths problem:
Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes.
He gives 1 to Mohammed & 1 to Hassan.
Calculate the radius of the explosion.
Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes.
He gives 1 to Mohammed & 1 to Hassan.
Calculate the radius of the explosion.
- Bit of a warning for the weekend..... THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
- 1. Innovative
- 2. Preliminary
- 3. Proliferation
- 4. Cinnamon
- THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULTTO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
- 1. Specificity
- 2. Anti-constitutionalistically
- 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
- 4. Transubstantiate
- THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
- 1. No thanks, I"m married.
- 2. Nope, no more booze for me!
- 3. Sorry, but you"re not really my type.
- 4. Doner Kebab? No thanks, I"m not hungry.
- 5. Good evening, officer. Isn"t it lovely out tonight?
- 6. Oh, I couldn"t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
- 7. I"m not interested in fighting you.
- 8. Thank you, but I won"t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I"d hate to look like a fool!
- 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this car park or on the side of the road.
- 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
- 11. Thank you Mr. Taxi Driver, that was a very reasonable price.
- I worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once........
- None of them understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves
- Has anyone else noticed that Gloria Estefan is an anagram of "Large Fat Noise"?
- My wife has told me she"s recently lost the urge to masturbate.
- She"s just not feeling herself, lately.
- What"s the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
- About 2.3 pounds including the urn.