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Good old VIZ for politically correct humour!
Off Topic Jokes thread
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Good old VIZ for politically correct humour!
Paddy's wife was ready to give birth. The nurse asks "How dilated is she ?"
Paddy replies "Oh Jaysus, wer're both over the bloody moon
Paddy replies "Oh Jaysus, wer're both over the bloody moon
- What"s the similarity between Kodak Cameras and Condoms?
- They are both there to catch those special moments.
- In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:
- He has the MANNERS of an Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.
- He has the HUMOUR of the the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.
- He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.
- He has the MUSCLES of the Russian, and the WEALTH of the American
- He has the SPIRITUALITY of the Indian, and the HYGENIE of the Finn.
- However, in hell, the reverse is true.. he is the WORST citizen..he has..ready...
- He has the MANNERS of an Frenchman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Frenchman
- He has the HUMOUR of the the Frenchman, and the BRAIN of the Frenchman
- He has the STYLE of the Frenchman, and the COURAGE of the Frenchman
- He has the MUSCLES of the Frenchman, and the WEALTH of the Frenchman
- He has the SPIRITUALITY of the Frenchman, and the HYGENIE of the Frenchman
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Three Liverpool Supporters were in a pub and spotted a United fan at the bar.
The first one said he was going to piss him off.
He walked over to the United fan and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey Manc, I hear your David Beckham is a ****".
"Really? I didn't know that".
Puzzled, the Scouser walked back to his buddies.
"I told him Beckham was a **** and he didn't care"!
"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn".
The second Scouser walked over and tapped the United fan on the shoulder.
"Hey Manc, I hear your David Beckham is a transvestite ****"!
"Oh, Christ I wasn't aware of that, thanks".
Shocked beyond belief, the Scouser went back to his buddies.
"You're right. He is unshakeable!"
The third Scouser said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch".
The Scouser walked over to the United fan, tapped him on the shoulder and said.........
"Hey Manc I hear your David Beckham is a Liverpool Supporter!"
"Apparently so. Just as your mates said earlier"
A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years".
He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.
"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??"
"Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!!
He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.
"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??"
"Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!!
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years.
Dogs run and they live for 15 years.
Turtles don't do anything and they live for 150 years.
LESSON LEARNED!
Dogs run and they live for 15 years.
Turtles don't do anything and they live for 150 years.
LESSON LEARNED!
When I was a kid, on Christmas morning my parents used to get the whole family around the piano and my father would stand up with a can of lager in hand and say, "it"s a pity no f*cker can play it."
When my grandfather was ill, my grandmother used to rub lard on his back.
After that, he went downhill very quickly.
After that, he went downhill very quickly.