Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
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A Man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."
"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.
"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceilingfan."
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."
"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.
"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceilingfan."
My wife spent an hour and a half getting ready to go out last night. Finally the bathroom door opened and she said,
"Do l look fat in this?" I said, "Yes, but to be fair it is a small bathroom."
"Do l look fat in this?" I said, "Yes, but to be fair it is a small bathroom."
Should the person who introduced thick gravy have a knighthood bistoed on them ?
- I took this girl out for a meal last night, she had frog"s legs and chicken breasts...
- but she had a f*cking lovely personality, bless her!!
- At a local college, there was a dance.
- A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
- While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "in America we call this a hug."
- She replies, "yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too."
- A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "in America we call this a kiss."
- She replies, "yaah, in Sveden we call it a kiss too."
- Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "in America we call this a grass sandwich."
- She says, "yaah, in Sveden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
- How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?One.
- ONE!!
- And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
- Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb.
- They don"t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.
- They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn"t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they"ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
- But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!
- AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID F*CKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!
- WHY?!
- BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
- IT"S A WONDER WE HAVE"NT ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!
- IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS........... I"m sorry... what did you ask me?
We've got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80's music.
Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark.
Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark.
Scare some people at your local Theme Park by bringing some nuts and bolts with you and then showing them to the person next to you on the roller coaster when the ride has just began.