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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
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    Good old VIZ for politically correct humour!
     
    #5361
    devonFRATTONiser, Apr 19, 2018
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5362
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 19, 2018
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5363
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 19, 2018
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy's wife was ready to give birth. The nurse asks "How dilated is she ?"

    Paddy replies "Oh Jaysus, wer're both over the bloody moon
     
    #5364
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 19, 2018
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • What"s the similarity between Kodak Cameras and Condoms?
    • They are both there to catch those special moments.
     
    #5365
    antipodean exile, Apr 20, 2018
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:
    • He has the MANNERS of an Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.
    • He has the HUMOUR of the the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.
    • He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.
    • He has the MUSCLES of the Russian, and the WEALTH of the American
    • He has the SPIRITUALITY of the Indian, and the HYGENIE of the Finn.
    • However, in hell, the reverse is true.. he is the WORST citizen..he has..ready...
    • He has the MANNERS of an Frenchman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Frenchman
    • He has the HUMOUR of the the Frenchman, and the BRAIN of the Frenchman
    • He has the STYLE of the Frenchman, and the COURAGE of the Frenchman
    • He has the MUSCLES of the Frenchman, and the WEALTH of the Frenchman
    • He has the SPIRITUALITY of the Frenchman, and the HYGENIE of the Frenchman
     
    #5366
    antipodean exile, Apr 20, 2018
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Three Liverpool Supporters were in a pub and spotted a United fan at the bar.
    The first one said he was going to piss him off.
    He walked over to the United fan and tapped him on the shoulder.

    "Hey Manc, I hear your David Beckham is a poof".
    "Really? I didn't know that".
    Puzzled, the Scouser walked back to his buddies.
    "I told him Beckham was a poof and he didn't care"!
    "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn".
    The second Scouser walked over and tapped the United fan on the shoulder.
    "Hey Manc, I hear your David Beckham is a transvestite poof"!
    "Oh, Christ I wasn't aware of that, thanks".
    Shocked beyond belief, the Scouser went back to his buddies.
    "You're right. He is unshakeable!"
    The third Scouser said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch".
    The Scouser walked over to the United fan, tapped him on the shoulder and said.........

    "Hey Manc I hear your David Beckham is a Liverpool Supporter!"
    "Apparently so. Just as your mates said earlier"
     
    #5367
    antipodean exile, Apr 20, 2018
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years".
    He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.
    "That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??"
    "Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!!
     
    #5368
    antipodean exile, Apr 20, 2018
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Liverpool Airport
     
    #5369
    antipodean exile, Apr 20, 2018
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #5370
    antipodean exile, Apr 20, 2018
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #5371
    antipodean exile, Apr 20, 2018
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #5372
    antipodean exile, Apr 20, 2018
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #5373
    antipodean exile, Apr 20, 2018
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years.
    Dogs run and they live for 15 years.
    Turtles don't do anything and they live for 150 years.

    LESSON LEARNED!
     
    #5374
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 20, 2018
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  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    When I was a kid, on Christmas morning my parents used to get the whole family around the piano and my father would stand up with a can of lager in hand and say, "it"s a pity no f*cker can play it."
     
    #5375
    antipodean exile, Apr 21, 2018
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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    When my grandfather was ill, my grandmother used to rub lard on his back.
    After that, he went downhill very quickly.
     
    #5376
    antipodean exile, Apr 21, 2018
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #5377
    antipodean exile, Apr 21, 2018
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  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #5378
    antipodean exile, Apr 21, 2018
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #5379
    antipodean exile, Apr 21, 2018
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #5380
    antipodean exile, Apr 21, 2018
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