Off Topic Jokes thread

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For three nights in a row I was kept awake as the neighbours had left their dog in their back yard barking all night.

By the fourth night I'd had enough. I waited until 1am and and sneaked into their back yard and got hold of the noisy mutt.......


.......and put him in MY back yard.


Ha - see how THEY like it.
 
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2 Irish men working in a field. Paddy is digging holes and Mick is filling them in.

After 9 holes a woman asks "Why are you digging a hole & the other lad is filling it in?"

Paddy replies "There's usually 3 of us but the lad who usually plants the trees phoned in sick today"
 
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Paddy and Murphy are walking into town and suddenly Murphy says he feels unwell.Paddy phones 999 for an ambulance.

The operator asks where they are. Paddy replies "Eucalyptus Boulevard". "Could you spell that" asks the operator.

"Forget it" says Paddy " I'll drag him round to Oak Road and you can pick him up from there "
 
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Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"

I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!".

I said to the next doctor walking past , "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?"

He replied, "no sorry, this is the burns unit!"
 
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  • The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers.
  • The irony in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though sometimes awkward).
  • Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One-
  • Miners Refuse to Work after Death-
  • Include Your Children when Baking Cookies-
  • Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide-
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead-
  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says-
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers-
  • Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted-
  • Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case-
  • Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents-
  • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms-
  • Prostitutes Appeal to Pope-
  • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over-
  • British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands-
  • Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms-
  • Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe-
  • Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told-
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant-
  • War Dims Hope for Peace-
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures-
  • Deer Kill 17,000-
  • Stolen Painting Found by Tree-
  • Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy-
  • Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire-
  • Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood-
  • Local Seondary School Drop-outs Cut in Half-
  • New Vaccine May Contain Rabies-
  • Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors-
  • Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter-
  • Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years-
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges-
  • Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge-
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group-
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft-
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks-
  • Eye Drops Off Shelf-
  • Teachers Strike Idle Kids-
  • Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead-
  • Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died
 
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