Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
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A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak… “woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph”
“That’s amazing” exclaimed the father. “You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground”?
“No”, said the old tribesman. “They just ran over me five minutes ago!”
The tribesman began to speak… “woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph”
“That’s amazing” exclaimed the father. “You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground”?
“No”, said the old tribesman. “They just ran over me five minutes ago!”
U.S.A President Donald Trump and his family are flying over Washington.
He looks out of the window and says to his family, “You know what, I’m gonna throw ten $100 banknotes out of the window and make ten people very happy!”
His son looks at Donald and says, “Dad, why don’t you throw two hundred $5 banknotes out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy.”
Donald says, “Wow, that’s amazing!”
His wife turns to Donald and says, “Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 banknotes out of the window? You could make one thousand people happy!”
Donald looks at his wife and says, “Babe, that is an amazing idea! The best I’ve ever heard!”
The aircraft pilot turns and looks at Mr. Trump and says, “Well, sir, why don’t you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy?”
He looks out of the window and says to his family, “You know what, I’m gonna throw ten $100 banknotes out of the window and make ten people very happy!”
His son looks at Donald and says, “Dad, why don’t you throw two hundred $5 banknotes out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy.”
Donald says, “Wow, that’s amazing!”
His wife turns to Donald and says, “Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 banknotes out of the window? You could make one thousand people happy!”
Donald looks at his wife and says, “Babe, that is an amazing idea! The best I’ve ever heard!”
The aircraft pilot turns and looks at Mr. Trump and says, “Well, sir, why don’t you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy?”
- Some tips for 4x4 drivers.
- 1. Don"t bother investing in a personal number plate; No-one gives a f*ck what your name is.
- 2. Those little stalks that are next to the steering wheel are "indicators." Use them occasionally
- .3. Putting a "Princess on Board" sticker isn"t cool, especially if the princess in question is Diana. She must really smell by now.
- 4. "Parent and Child" spaces aren"t really for you if your child is 19, even if she weighs as many stone.
- 5. When parking, try to park in what we call "parking spaces".
- 6. Be sure to put a "Greenpeace" or a "Save the Earth" sticker on your bumper. Other drivers will enjoy the irony, even if you don"t.
- 7. When people make "****er" signs at you, it"s because you are a ****er.
- Learn to live with it.
- My wife wanted to try a new sex position last night, which she called "The Wheelbarrow".
- "Basically I place my hands on the floor while you grab my legs from behind and stick it in. You get the idea don"t you?" she asked.
- I sure did. I carried the bitch to the garden and told her to pull out some weeds.
- Wise old saying:
- Girls who use their heads can stop the population explosion.