Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
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When your cat is plotting to kill you but your dog is trying to warn you.
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- How do you know when it"s bedtime in Michael Jackson"s house?
- When the big hand touches the little hand.
- An RAF pilot flying over Libya saw 2 flying carpets armed with machine guns and air to ground missiles.
- He gave chase and in a dramatic dogfight shot them both down.
- Chuffed to bits he returned back to base.
- On landing he was called to the Squadron Leaders office for a right bollocking....
- Apparently they were Allied Carpets....
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please... and one for the road."
"Pint please... and one for the road."
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.
I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I said to the gym teacher:
''Can you teach me to do the splits?'
He said: 'How flexible are you?'
I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.''
''Can you teach me to do the splits?'
He said: 'How flexible are you?'
I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.''
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next day, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next day, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"
I'm gonna use the numbers from my gas meter reading for my lottery, it works for British Gas.
An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face.
Chinda Goodunproppa has denied the charge.
Chinda Goodunproppa has denied the charge.