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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school.
    “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.
    “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.
    “That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”
    “Did I say he was dead? He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighbourhood basketball team!” responded John.
    “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”
    “Did I say he died?” asked John.
    Rob was amazed.
    “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”
    “Getting married?!” Rob asked. "If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!"
    John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
     
    #3821
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 16, 2017
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was attacked by a group of mime artists.

    They did unspeakable things to me...
     
    #3822
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 16, 2017
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    It's a little known fact that Robert Mugabe was really from Yorkshire.

    He tried to keep it quiet but if you say his surname backwards, the clue is there...
     
    #3823
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2017
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 16, 2017
  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    3 friends were getting married in the same hotel on the same day, and at the end of the night, they met up to discuss the day"s events over a couple of beers.
    One asks the other two: "Listen, it"s our wedding night and I was wondering -- how many times are we expected to... um... you know... do it?"
    Eventually, they decide to retire to their respective wives and plan to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.Suddenly, one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can"t discuss our first night"s marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sitting with us."
    "You"re right. What we"ll do then, is make every piece of toast we order with our breakfast represent the amount of times we did it," offers another groom.
    They all decide that it"s an excellent idea and depart.
    The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that"s nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room.
    The first groom places his order with the waitress: "Hello, I"ll have the full English breakfast with three pieces of toast please."
    The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange juice in a toast to his fantastic prowess.
    The waitress moves to the second couple and the groom orders, "I too shall have the full English breakfast, but could I have four pieces of toast?"
    The waitress gets to the last groom. "I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath, "seven, yes, seven pieces of toast," he calls for everyone"s benefit, while flashing a big grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief.
    She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again and says,
    "And by the way, can you make two of those brown?"
     
    #3824
    antipodean exile, Nov 16, 2017
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    The prison chefs at Paris Hilton"s prison are preparing breakfast. They are pouring porridge into each bowl for the prisoners until they get to Paris" bowl."I"m going to **** in to this," says one chef."Great idea," says the second.Before you know it they"ve all cum in her porridge. Then the guards take the bowl to her cell and have a quick **** in it before delivering it to Paris.Paris looks at the bowl and up at the guards and says "I"m not eating this."The guard laughs and asks, "why not?"Paris replies, "it"s got porridge in it."
     
    #3825
    antipodean exile, Nov 16, 2017
  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
    After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
    Their life together was, of course, perfect.
    One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
    Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
    Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
    Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident.
    Only one of them survived the accident.
    Question: Who was the survivor?
    Answer:The perfect woman survived.
    She"s the only one who really existed in the first place.
    Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.****
    Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.****
    Men keep scrolling.
    So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.By the way, if you"re a woman and you"re still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen
     
    #3826
    antipodean exile, Nov 16, 2017
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3827
    antipodean exile, Nov 16, 2017
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  8. antipodean exile

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    #3828
    antipodean exile, Nov 16, 2017
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    #3829
    antipodean exile, Nov 16, 2017
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    antipodean exile, Nov 17, 2017
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  11. antipodean exile

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    #3831
    antipodean exile, Nov 17, 2017
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    #3832
    antipodean exile, Nov 18, 2017
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    #3833
    antipodean exile, Nov 18, 2017
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    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3834
    antipodean exile, Nov 18, 2017
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  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3835
    antipodean exile, Nov 18, 2017
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    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3836
    antipodean exile, Nov 18, 2017
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    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3837
    antipodean exile, Nov 18, 2017
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    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3838
    antipodean exile, Nov 18, 2017
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    #3839
    antipodean exile, Nov 18, 2017
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    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3840
    antipodean exile, Nov 18, 2017
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