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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3861
    antipodean exile, Nov 20, 2017
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3862
    antipodean exile, Nov 20, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    When your cat is plotting to kill you but your dog is trying to warn you.

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    #3863
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3864
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2017
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • How do you know when it"s bedtime in Michael Jackson"s house?
    • When the big hand touches the little hand.
     
    #3865
    antipodean exile, Nov 20, 2017
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • An RAF pilot flying over Libya saw 2 flying carpets armed with machine guns and air to ground missiles.
    • He gave chase and in a dramatic dogfight shot them both down.
    • Chuffed to bits he returned back to base.
    • On landing he was called to the Squadron Leaders office for a right bollocking....
    • Apparently they were Allied Carpets....
     
    #3866
    antipodean exile, Nov 20, 2017
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says:
    "Pint please... and one for the road."
     
    #3867
    antipodean exile, Nov 20, 2017
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.
    I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
     
    #3868
    antipodean exile, Nov 20, 2017
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I said to the gym teacher:
    ''Can you teach me to do the splits?'
    He said: 'How flexible are you?'
    I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.''
     
    #3869
    antipodean exile, Nov 20, 2017
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3870
    antipodean exile, Nov 20, 2017
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3871
    antipodean exile, Nov 20, 2017
  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3872
    antipodean exile, Nov 20, 2017
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3873
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #3874
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3875
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3876
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2017
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3877
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
    of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
    scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
    it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
    you just served?"
    The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
    testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
    The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
    vacation! Bring me an order!"
    The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
    day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
    tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
    The next day, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
    evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
    After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
    to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
    smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"
     
    #3878
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2017
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I'm gonna use the numbers from my gas meter reading for my lottery, it works for British Gas.
     
    #3879
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 20, 2017
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face.

    Chinda Goodunproppa has denied the charge.
     
    #3880
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 21, 2017
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