Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
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I noticed one of the local "Benefits Families" at a petrol station.
You know the sort- where no-one works as they are all on hand outs (yet still can afford a car, of course.)
Anyway, they were complaining about the "High Taxes" on petrol.
Stupid, hypocritical f*cks.
Where exactly do they think their money comes from to buy the petrol in the first place?
You know the sort- where no-one works as they are all on hand outs (yet still can afford a car, of course.)
Anyway, they were complaining about the "High Taxes" on petrol.
Stupid, hypocritical f*cks.
Where exactly do they think their money comes from to buy the petrol in the first place?
Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"
Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"
Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"
Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"
Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"
What do women and KFC have in common?
After you"re done with the legs, breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
After you"re done with the legs, breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
"What do we want"
Time travel
"When do we want it?"
It's irrelevant.......
Time travel
"When do we want it?"
It's irrelevant.......
I hate when people use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Especially when I'm inebriated beyond the exuberance of my own verbosity to notice.
Especially when I'm inebriated beyond the exuberance of my own verbosity to notice.
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?
""Yes, I"m sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
"It"s quite alright," replies the woman, "It"s very talented, watch this, I"ll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies, "Bloody Hell Can it whistle too?!"
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?
""Yes, I"m sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
"It"s quite alright," replies the woman, "It"s very talented, watch this, I"ll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies, "Bloody Hell Can it whistle too?!"
We had gay burglars last night.
They broke in and rearranged the furniture
They broke in and rearranged the furniture
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices
a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across
the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell
is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest
moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across
the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing
his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives
the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's
level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now
what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across
the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell
is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest
moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across
the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing
his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives
the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's
level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now
what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
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So wrong in so many ways - fail in epic terms!!!