When I was a kid my dad used to let me put my pocket money in a special money box under the stairs. I was 15 before I found out it was the bloody electric meter.
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?" Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?" Joey says, "To your house!"
Bored of sitting on your hand till its numb to make it feel like someone else is ****ing you off? Then why not try sitting on your knob, to make it feel like your ****ing off some one else. Alternatively, for the voyeurs amongst you, sit on your hand and your knob, so it feels like watching someone ****ing someone else off...
Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers." Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
One time you had to pull a womans knickers down to see her arse. Nowadays you have to open her arse to see her knickers.
An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is...... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." "That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.
I saw a van with a 'No tools left in this van overnight' sticker on the back. So I broke in during the day.
Help! Yesterday, I had a hard day's night trying to remember any Beatles songs, please get back to me.
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away." St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave. Well just relax and let it happen" So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've **** the bed."
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said: "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said: "Father, Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Little Italian man goes to confession. father I have sinned. How have you sinned my son, said the priest. Well, many years ago during the War a beautiful young Israeli woman asked me if I could hide her from those nasty Nazis. I agreed and I hid her. Well that's to be commended my son, said the priest. No, no, there's more said the little man. After a few weeks we started having feelings for each other and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. The priests faced dropped, but he said: Well, my son, I know temptation can get the better of anybody, but look, you did save this lady's life, so please don't torture yourself and go in peace. No, no said the little man, there's something else. What is it my son said the priest, the little man replied: Should I tell her the War is over???
A man hates his wife"s cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home, it"s there. Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home, it"s there. So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it. One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?" "Yes, why?" asks his wife ."Put the c*nt on," he says, "I"m f*cking lost."
It"s my birthday today! My wife said she"s gonna make it my most special birthday ever. I wonder where she"s going?
Linford Christie"s a bit bored one day, so he decides to take up golf. He goes down to the local course, walks in and says, "Hi, I"d like to join your golf club" The receptionist calls the club captain, who comes to meet the former Olympic sprinter at reception. "Hi," says Linford "I"d like to join your golf club" "I"m terribly sorry" says the club captain "but we don"t let black people join our club, if you turn left out of the gates, there"s a public course about 15 minutes up the road and they"ll let you play there" "I don"t think you understand" says Linford "I"m Linford Christie" "Oh I see, I"m terribly sorry" says the Captain " In that case the public course is three minutes up the road!"
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I"m not a virgin." The husband replies, "That"s no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I"ve been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he"s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone ."What are you doing?" asks the wife.The husband says, "I"m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn"t do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He"d come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I"m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn"t do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He"d come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he"s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I"m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this bloody hole."
