F*ck me, look at that. Completely the wrong Grip for a forehand Smash! please log in to view this image
I f*cking hate Ed Sheeran, so when he came out at Glastonbury I finished my pint, pissed in it and then threw it at the ginger c*nt. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but my TV's f*cked now.
A white lie: "No dear, your bum doesn"t look big in those jeans". A black lie: "I didn"t steal no mother f*ckin" car". Or a black and white lie: Newcastle are fu*king amazing!
Ladies: To us, the size of your tits is irrelevant, in fact tits are a lot like Coke or Pepsi: We might state a preference, but we"ll take whatever"s on the tap, as long as it"s not flat.
Paddy and Murphy are at the airport, queuing at check-in at the beginning of their holiday. "I wish I had brought the TV with me" said Paddy "Why"s that?" asks Murphy "Because the fu*king tickets are on top of it"
I saw JK Rowling on the news earlier talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a little wizard this much since Debbie McGee.
My neighbour just walked past with two dogs. I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?" He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters." I said, "Wow, your sisters are really f*cking ugly."
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone!" The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it!" he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
