A woman goes to Italy to attend a two-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip. The wife answers, "thank you, honey, what would you like me to bring back for you?" The husband laughs and says, "an Italian girl!" The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later, he picks her up in the airport and asks, "so, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you." "And what happened to my present?" "Which present?" she asked. "The one I asked for - an Italian girl!" "Oh, that", she said. "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!"
I don"t agree with Vodafone"s advertising campaign. It states "Be part of the worlds largest mobile community" Now correct me if I"m wrong but that"s the Gypsies!
Crawford, Texas (Associated Press Release) - A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library of ex President George W. Bush. The fire began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both of his books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished colouring the second one.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won"t sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I"m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I"m a graduate student in psychology and I"m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
I"ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent. Cats don"t listen. Cats don"t come in when you call and cats like to stay out all night. When they are at home, cats like to be left alone to sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat...!
My wife said she thought it would be very romantic if when she dies, she could be buried in her wedding dress. I said,"You"d better hope you die of some kind of wasting disease then".
The Pope is having some work done in the Vatican. As he is passing one of the carpenters hits his thumb with a hammer "F*cking Hell!" he cries. The pope is horrified and tells the carpenter "My son, this is the house of God, such profanities are not appropriate here. If you have hurt yourself in some way you should offer your prayer to our lord Jesus and he will give you relief from your suffering" Next day as the Pope is passing the same carpenter who chops off his fingers with a saw. "Oh my God! Sweet Jesus help me now!" says the carpenter. With that the fingers levitate themselves and re-attach themselves to the poor carpenter"s hand, all the blood disappears and the carpenter wiggles his fingers ,"F*cking Hell" says the pope.
I missed a Jehovah"s Witness at the front door this morning, which was a odd as I thought I had a clear shot
My Mother-in-law researched her family tree recently and discovered she is a direct descendant of the Hitler family, which has shocked me to the core. She's the nicest, most tolerant person I've ever known and wouldn't harm a fly, so I'm finding it incredibly hard to believe. Although it does explain the moustache.
I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards? She said, "Yes, sir." So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"
