Off Topic Jokes thread

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I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Liverpool fan sneaking through my next door neighbours garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed and my wife said, "You're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen? " I said. "That bastard next door still has my bloody shovel."
 
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A husband and wife lost their jobs at the underwear factory, so attended the social Welfare to sign on. After they had finished, Paddy turned to the wife and asked
"How Much a week did you get?" Mavis looked at her husband and said £350pw, what about you? Paddy Replied " £500pw"
"That's outrageous discrimination" barked his wife and stormed back in to have a row.
Approaching the clerk, she shouted "HOW DARE you award my husband £500pw, and me only £350.... EXPLAIN YOURSELF"
The Clerk calmly addressed her and said, You, told me that you were a knicker Sewer for a living, while your Husband is a Diesel Fitter, so based on the skill set of your previous jobs, his amount was deemed higher"
"DIESEL FITTER.. exclaimed Mavis.... He was on Quality Control in the knicker Factory, all the lazy sod had to do was select random garments from the different batches, hold em up for size and say "Yip, Diesel Fitter"..
 
A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.
The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.
The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."
The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?"
The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?"
Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer.

After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"
 
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A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.
As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe.
They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!""
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back,
"George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!""
"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."
 
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President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.
He begins his remarks with "Oh,Oh,Oh,Oh,Oh"
Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President"s ear:
"Mr President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."
 
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