Teacher asks the kids in her class what their fathers did for a living. "Mary, what does your dad do?" "He"s a doctor, miss." "Joe, what does your dad do? "He"s a pilot, miss." "Billy, what"s your dad do?" "My dad"s dead, miss." "Oh Billy, I"m so sorry............what did he do before he died?" "He turned purple, farted and fell on the dog, miss."
Give a scouser a fish, and he can eat for a day. Give him a fishing rod and he'll put it in your letterbox and nick your car keys.
I love my bank, I can text them and they will text me back my bank balance, It's so convenient. I could do without the Lol at the end of it though.
A Dog named Sex Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot. But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex? It goes like this: "One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday." "But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.' Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.' He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer." "When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life." "After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' " "When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “ Me. too." "Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him. He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought for a moment, and then said, "So why"s the groom wearing black?"
A man was walking down the street, when suddenly he was hit by a car. A policeman that attended the scene said to the injured man, " Did you get a look at the driver?" "No. " said the man, "but I can tell you it was my wife." "How"s that ?"asked the policeman. And the man said, " I"d recognise her laugh anywhere."
Please remember a doggy is not just for Christmas. ... Its a f*cking great position all the year round!!
Woman shopping in Asda notices a cute young assistant, he has such a nice arse it makes her randy. She asks him to carry her shopping to her car, on the way she cannot hold back any more and says to him "I"ve got an itchy pussy". He says "You"ll have to point it out love, all these f*cking Japanese cars look the same to me!!"
