Glasgow Rangers have appealed to UEFA to get last weeks Europa League defeat turned around due to their gas fitter in midfield not being corgi registered.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
I went into a pub last night on my way home from work and there was a dwarf sat at the bar in a Manchester City shirt. All I said was "Half a bitter" and he went f*cking berserk!
I got knocked down yesterday, while crossing a road, by one of those mobile library vans. As I lay screaming in agony, the driver jumped out, ran to me, knelt down and said, "for f*ck"s sake, SSSHHH."
This old couple are walking around a car boot sale , when they notice on a stall-an offer of 5 toilet brushes for a fiver, both impressed they buy the toilet brushes, the following week the old lady is again on the car boot-and she passes the same stall when the owner says "How are you getting on with those toilet brushes?" and the little old dear says " Well i"m persevering , but the old man"s gone back to paper"
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, "it is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men: "can you each name and describe your wife"s favourite flower?" I leaned over, touched my wife"s arm gently and whispered, "self-raising, isn"t it?"
The Police have come up with a new scheme in Liverpool to disperse rioters. They will fly overhead with a helicopter and drop Job Application Forms.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
I was in the bar when I started chatting to a midget. "You seem like a nice and trustworthy person, fancy coming back to mine?" I asked. "Looking for a good time, are you?" she said, smiling. "No," I replied. "I've lost my keys and you're the only person that can fit through my cat flap."
I'm going on the Dragons Den asking for funding for my apple pastries. I think they'll be happy with my turnover.
Got pulled over by the police: Police: "Turn around" Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round" Police: "Turn around" Me: "Bright eye's" That's when I got tasered.
My boss asked me, "do you believe in life after death and the supernatural?" "Yes, I think so," I replied. "I thought you would," he said. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother"s funeral, she phoned up to talk to you..."
I bought my new car stereo today, it"s voice activated. If I shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton, if I shout "rock" it plays Guns and Roses. I was driving through town the other day when some children ran out in front of me, I shouted "F*CKING KIDS!" and it played Michael Jackson.
Three men - an Australian, a Jew, and an Abo - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven. The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they"re only young and haven"t led full lives. Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500. The Aussie pays his $500 straight away, and BANG!!, he"s back in the same street he had just left. Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story. Of course, they don"t believe him. "So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where"s the Jew and the Abo?". "Well," says the Aussie, "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $300, and the Abo was arguing that the government should pay for it".
