Off Topic Jokes thread
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BREAKING: Wayne Rooney spotted crying on the streets of Manchester as he'll be leaving tomorrow.
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Paddy says to Mick, "I think my butchers a drug dealer."
"What makes you think that?" Mick replied.
Paddy said, "He's got a sign in the window, two joints for £10."
"What makes you think that?" Mick replied.
Paddy said, "He's got a sign in the window, two joints for £10."
I don"t know what"s happening in this country.
You"ve got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children.
It"s a nightmare - you don"t know whether to carry sweets or money.
You"ve got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children.
It"s a nightmare - you don"t know whether to carry sweets or money.
God created man, stepped back and said "perfect!"
He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said
"F*ck me! this"ll have to wear make up!"
He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said
"F*ck me! this"ll have to wear make up!"
I read this joke here a few weeks ago:
"I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?"
I tried telling this joke to a dwarf, just to see his reaction...
The thick f*cker didn"t get it at all, it went straight over his head.
"I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?"
I tried telling this joke to a dwarf, just to see his reaction...
The thick f*cker didn"t get it at all, it went straight over his head.
I had my audition for "The Chase" today, and the last question was, "What do Justin Timberlake, Selena Gomez, and Britney Spears have in common?"
I said, "Mickey Mouse Club." Bradley Walsh said, "I'll accept that, they're all Liverpool fans!"
I said, "Mickey Mouse Club." Bradley Walsh said, "I'll accept that, they're all Liverpool fans!"
The question on everybody's lips...
What will Liverpool achieve again this season?
What will Liverpool achieve again this season?
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The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.