Off Topic Jokes thread

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Murphy decided to open up his own D.I.Y store called "Murphy"s Nails".
It started off fairly well but he decided it could do with some advertisiment so he rang his mate Pat who was a media advertiser to make a T.V. advert for him which Pat agreed and said it would air on Friday.
Murphy got all excited and invited all his friends and family round to watch it. The advert began with the camera at the bottom of the hill and it gradually panned up to the top to show Jesus on the cross and the tagline "They used Murphy"s Nails" appeared.Murphy was horrified and his friends and family were disgusted, so immediatley he rang his mate Pat and screamed down the phone at him "What"s this, that"s not the way to sell my product, people are gonna get the wrong message".
Pat replied, "Aye, I can see you"re problem, i"m sorry pal, i"ll change it and it"ll re-air next Friday.
So next Friday comes round and Murphy nervously invites all his friends and family back to watch the advert that should"ve appeared.
As the advert comes on it again starts the same way with the camera at the bottom of the hill, it gradually pans up to the top of the hill to show the same cross, however it"s empty, and in the distance Jesus can be seen legging it and up comes the tagline
"They Should"ve Used Murphy"s Nails".
 
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In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.


Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean!
 
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My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had until a fart that, from both sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was horrified.

"Don't worry," I said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth - isn't that right, nurse?"

"Yes," said the nurse, gagging, "but it's usually the mother, not the father."
 
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Bloke walks into a bar with an elephant. "This elephant will do anything," he announces proudly.
"All right," says the barman. "Make it stand on one leg."
So the bloke lifts the elephant"s ear up and whispers something to the elephant.
Moments later the great grey beast lifts itself up onto its hind legs then carefully balances itself up on one leg.
The crowd in the bar go wild with enthusiastic cheering."
Very clever," says the barman. "Now lets see it f*ck my cat." And so saying, he plonks the genial bar cat onto the bar.
The bloke with the elephant thinks a moment then takes the cat and places it on the floor in front of the elephant (who is still poised Bolshoi like on one leg).
He gets up on tip toe and whispers something in the elephant"s ear.
As silence descends on the drinkers in the bar, the man steps back and the elephant teeters over and comes crashing down, splattering Tiddles across the floor."
There you go," says the bloke. "That"s f*cked it."
 
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An elephant walking along a river bank noticed a turtle and booted it across the river.
A passing giraffe asked "why did you do that?"
The elephant said "47 years ago that turtle bit a chunk out of my trunk."
"That's some damn good memory you have" said the giraffe.
The elephant replied "turtle recall"
 
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