There was panic in France this morning as the Channel Tunnel remains closed,
cutting off the main French escape route to England.
cutting off the main French escape route to England.
Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
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**PLEASE BE CAREFUL ABOUT INFORMATION GIVEN ONLINE**...Last night my wife was talking to a guy online.
He seemed a really nice guy at first but soon he started begging to meet up for sex.
Fcuk me, he should"ve asked for a photo first.
He seemed a really nice guy at first but soon he started begging to meet up for sex.
Fcuk me, he should"ve asked for a photo first.
An American and a Ukranian in front of the urinals.
The American pulls out his huge cock and says proudly to the Ukranian:
Buffalo Bill!
The Ukranian pulls out three enormous cocks and says:
Chernobyl!
The American pulls out his huge cock and says proudly to the Ukranian:
Buffalo Bill!
The Ukranian pulls out three enormous cocks and says:
Chernobyl!
I said to my wife, "lets go out to eat tonight." She came back with the classic, "I have nothing to wear" reply.
So I said to her, "just wear what you had on the last time we went out, you looked beautiful."
So there we were in the local steak house, me in jeans and a T shirt, and her in her wedding dress!
So I said to her, "just wear what you had on the last time we went out, you looked beautiful."
So there we were in the local steak house, me in jeans and a T shirt, and her in her wedding dress!
I found my first grey pubic hair today.
Normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
Normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
My girlfriend said our sex life was getting dull, and I should try and think outside the box.
So I gave it to her up the arse.
So I gave it to her up the arse.
A Charity Pantomine in aid of paranoid schizophrenics and homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted,
"He"s behind you."
"He"s behind you."
Quick everyone, the DFS Sofa sale finishes on Sunday.............and it doesn't start again until Monday!
I went on a rollercoaster yesterday, and the woman next to me wouldn't stop screaming.
Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before.
Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before.
I hear Harrison Ford only has one testicle.
Or Hang Solo as he likes to call it.
Or Hang Solo as he likes to call it.
Apparently Coleen Rooney was behind Wayne not going to China.
Something to do with the number of single Chinese women over retirement age!
Something to do with the number of single Chinese women over retirement age!
During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential
swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat
with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.
"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is
so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two
hundred words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do
realize that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really
understand what they mean."
"Oh, I know," Melania replied, "Neither does the parrot."
swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat
with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.
"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is
so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two
hundred words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do
realize that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really
understand what they mean."
"Oh, I know," Melania replied, "Neither does the parrot."
At the wine merchant’s the taster had died and the director started looking to hire a new person. A drunk with a ragged appearance came in to apply for the position. The director wondered what he could do to get rid of him.
He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said “It’s a Muscat, three years old , grown on a northern slope , matured in steel containers. Low grade but just acceptable”
“That’s correct” said the amazed director. “Try another glass” “A Cabernet Sauvignon, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results”
“Completely correct – another glass” “This is a superior Chardonnay champagne, high grade and exclusive” said the drunk calmly.
The director was astonished. He went over to his secretary and whispered something to her. She left the room and returned shortly with a glass of urine. The drunk tasted it , paused then said
“Blonde 26 years old and three months pregnant – and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father”
He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said “It’s a Muscat, three years old , grown on a northern slope , matured in steel containers. Low grade but just acceptable”
“That’s correct” said the amazed director. “Try another glass” “A Cabernet Sauvignon, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results”
“Completely correct – another glass” “This is a superior Chardonnay champagne, high grade and exclusive” said the drunk calmly.
The director was astonished. He went over to his secretary and whispered something to her. She left the room and returned shortly with a glass of urine. The drunk tasted it , paused then said
“Blonde 26 years old and three months pregnant – and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father”
What do you call a load of lesbians on top of each other?
A block of flaps
A block of flaps
I hear that they"ve found the source of the China earthquake.
Believed to have been caused by a group of American tourists doing an aerobic class.
Believed to have been caused by a group of American tourists doing an aerobic class.
A girl brought her boyfriend home late one night.
With her parents being asleep in bed, she asked him to be quiet.
So when he said he was desperate to use the bathroom , rather than sending him upstairs and risk waking her parents, she told him to use the kitchen sink instead. A few minutes later he popped his head around the door.
"Have you finished" she whispered.
"Yeah" he said,
"Have you got any paper?"
With her parents being asleep in bed, she asked him to be quiet.
So when he said he was desperate to use the bathroom , rather than sending him upstairs and risk waking her parents, she told him to use the kitchen sink instead. A few minutes later he popped his head around the door.
"Have you finished" she whispered.
"Yeah" he said,
"Have you got any paper?"
The wife"s not speaking to me, all because I wouldn"t open the car door for her...
It"s not my fault, I just fcuking panicked and swam to the surface!
It"s not my fault, I just fcuking panicked and swam to the surface!
"I watched that programme the other day, the one with all the cheap nasty antiques on it." I said to my mate.
"You mean Bargain Hunt?" He replied.
"No, Loose women!"
"You mean Bargain Hunt?" He replied.
"No, Loose women!"