Off Topic Jokes thread

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A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is twelve inches long. It weighs so much that it's pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter". So he asks "What's he cure, doc?" The doctor replies "Well, we have to cut off six inches".

The man is eager to cure his stuttering so he agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later, the man calls the doctor and tells him that since he's had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He insists that the doctor do another operation to add the six inches back on.

There is silence on the other end of the telephone, so the man repeats "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my six inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds "F-f-f-f-f-f-u-c-k y-y-y-y-ou!"
 
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"Mummy, Mummy! All my friends are married,
Susie has married a rich Barrister, Jenny has bagged a millionaire businessman, Rachel has married a Premiership footballer.
I just don"t know what I"m doing wrong, I"m attractive, big breasts, lovely figure. I"m getting desperate."
"Calm down dear, just follow the advice on the Heineken advert."
"What do you mean?"
"Get the head right and the rest will follow."
 
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A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.
She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"
He says: "No, but I"ve got dangling balls on a 9 inch."
"That"s not a record is it?"
"It is for a 10 year old."
 
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The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble
getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things
then said he was going to check with the wife.
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said - "Okay good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband".
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you.
I couldn't get an erection either".
 
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Once a year my village holds a market for the locals to sell their wares.
I baked a couple of cakes to flog - one was priced at a pound, and the other one was a fiver.
A chap stopped at my stall and looked at the cakes, before pointing at the one costing a fiver and asking,
"what type of cake is that one, then?"
I replied, "That"s Madeira cake!"
 
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So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
 
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Squirrel Problem ?

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian
church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, and a
synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about
their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded
the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere
with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the
baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked
the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as
many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm
any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and
set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels
were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They
baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the
church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first
squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
 
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Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated Benefits Question:

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammed


THE ANSWER:

Of course you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in UK

Welcome!

Jeremy Corbyn.
 
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I went to the doctor"s a few weeks back.
I told him that I"ve just started seeing a gorgeous girl and I"m having trouble lasting more than a few minutes when I shag her.
He told me, "maybe it would help you last longer if you thought about something horrible when you get aroused, like naked grannies or Susan Boyle.
It didn"t work at all... now I have a terrible problem with premature ejaculation!
 
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Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby..
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses'.
 
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it.
"Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone.
I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
 
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