So the bride and groom get to the bridal suite, and she strips naked in front of him. "Darling," she says, "Will you love me always?" He says, "Sounds good to me! I"ll try your asre first!"
Barcelona made an incredible 859 passes the other night. Liverpool could only manage that if they got Steven Gerrard out of retirement and put him on Mastermind.
David Beckham, when not playing football that day, decides to go horse riding. Although he has no previous experience, he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete control as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria watches him admiringly.After a while, David becomes a little too casual and begins to lose his grip in the saddle. He panics and grabs the horse round it"s neck and calls for it to stop.Victoria screams and shouts for someone to help. David slips completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground because he is still clutching the horse"s neck. David decides his best chance is to leap away, but his foot becomes entangled in the stirrup. David"s head is now banging along the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is really starting to panic now, and screams at the top of her voice. Hearing her screams, one of the supermarket security guards comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
Why is it everything you buy from Ikea requires assembly? I bought a pillow the other day and they gave me a duck!
The second Fifty shades of grey film is set to be the sexiest film ever, unless you're Welsh in which case it's the Shawn the Sheep movie.
Jurgen Klopp goes in to church to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned!" The priest replies, "Come forth my child!" Klopp retorts, "Come forth? We'll be lucky if we come bloody tenth!"
"You're going to have to change the ringtone on your phone," my wife said to me. "What's wrong with The Final Countdown?" I said. "You know I love that song." "You work in a Nursing Home for fu*k sake!" She replied.
A blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates. Only 10% of that actually goes into its mate. Ever wondered why the sea tasted so salty?
I bet you know someone like this:A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she"d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant!!Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband"s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn"t you? I hope you"re proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past four hours in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit.......... It"s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be probably be the last shopping trip you ever take ! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. ........... and you"ll now be his carer !" The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed........... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I"m just pulling your leg. He"s dead. What did you buy?"
What have a duck, a pelican and the Inland Revenue got in common? They can all stick their bills up their arse!
My son has just come home carrying a sofa and an arm chair. He said, "Someone has just given me these." So I've grounded him. I've warned him about accepting suites from strangers.
Why do most of the Chinese community live in Harrow London? Because when they come over from China and land at Heathrow they get in a black cab and say, "Harrow taxi driver."
What's the difference between ***in and Jurgen Klopp? When ***in sent his boys out they came back with Silverware.
Mick decided to pay his old mate Paddy a visit. "Bejesus Paddy!" Said Mick, greeted by a living room full of chairs, "Where did all these frigging chairs come from?" "Doctors waiting room," beamed Paddy. "Every time I go there the receptionist says, please take a seat."
You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at B&Q try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes when you try and start a chainsaw.
A man walks into a bar and orders ten double whiskies, downs "em in one. The barman says, "what"s up?"The man replies, "my youngest son"s just told me that he"s gay." The next day, the same man goes in and orders fifteen double whiskies."What"s up now?" asks the barman."I just found out my eldest son is gay," he replies. The next day he goes in and orders twenty whiskies."Fcuk me!" says the barman, "does no one in your family like pussy?"" Yes," he replies. "My wife, apparently."
There once was a girl called Louise, Whose pubes hung down to her knees, So the crabs in her twat,Tied her hairs in a platt, And constructed a flying trapeze
Jack and Jill were twins who couldn"t find dates to the prom. So Jill asked Jack to go with her. Jack said, "no, you"re my sister, that"s gross."Jill said, "Come on. Promise me if you can"t find another date, you"ll take me." So Jack said okay.Well, Jack couldn"t find a date so he went with Jill. They were just standing by the punch bowl, and Jill asked Jack to dance. Jack said, "no, you"re my sister, that"s gross." Jill said, "Come on. It"ll be fun."So Jack said okay, and they had a great time. After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Makeout Hill. Jack said, "no, you"re my sister, It would be gross." Jill said, "we"ll just talk, we don"t talk anymore."So Jack said okay. They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Jill moved to the backseat. Jill said, "Come on, Jack, take me." Jack didn"t argue. When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured, "You"re a lot lighter than dad." Jack said back, "I know. Mom told me last night."
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked "Relatives of yours?" "Yep" the husband replied. "In-laws".
