Off Topic Jokes thread

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Schoolgirls are claiming that, during the summer holidays, they are bombarded with a large number of sexually explicit (and somewhat desperate) messages
on sites such as Facebook.
Don"t worry girls, it will all calm down in September - when the teachers go back to work.
 
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My wife can be a right hurtful bastard sometimes.
Yesterday she gave birth to a baby boy and we were both looking at him in his cot.
So I turned to the wife, with a cheeky grin on my face, and said, "he"s quite big down there, isn"t he?"
She said, "yeah, but at least he"s got your eyes."
 
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I got a phone call the other day from an old flame of mine. It had been years since we"d spoken and was great to catch up.
We were getting on really well and she suggested that we should meet up "for old time"s sake".
I was well up for it, as I hadn"t been getting any for a while. We arranged to meet up the following day.
Now, in truth I"d let myself go a bit over the years and so thought I"d come clean.
I told her "I"m probably not quite how you remember me. I"ve started to go bald and have been indulging a little too much in the good life."
To which she started to giggle like a schoolgirl and then said to me, "Oh, don"t worry! I"ve put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to fcuk off.
 
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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, “How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?”
I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who"s a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fcuk your wife and daughter?”
“Bloody hell! No!” he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
“Well, neither would Pete,” I added.
 
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A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."
 
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A young Indian Brave is sitting by the camp fire one day and says to the Chief, "O wise Father, can you explain to me how our people are given our tribal names?"

"Certainly my son" says the Chief, "when the new born child is presented to the chief of the tribe what ever he sees will become the name of the infant. I am called White Cloud because there were many white clouds in the sky on the day of my birth. Your mother is called Little Elk because a herd of elk were passing by and your brother High Eagle was so named after the majestic bald eagle seen flying in the sky."

And the Chief then said to the young brave "By why the sudden curiosity Dog Licks Balls?"
 
Me and my wifes sex life is like the Scottish Football Team:

Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there,
There's no passion, no communication and we never make it past the first stage,
There's horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet,
Its over far too quickly and when it does end I know it'll be at least another four fu*king years before it happens again!
 
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Little Johnny catches his parents going at it.
He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin"?"
His father says, "Son, I"m filling your mother"s tank."Johnny says,
"Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage.
The postman filled her this morning."
 
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I got into an argument with this thug in the pub.
Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, "I know where you live."
I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for Royal Mail Parcelforce, so his threat almost certainly isn"t true.
 
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